Back to blog

Escaping the Need to Please Others Episode Transcript

00:01 - Nachi (Host)

So many of us have experienced the overwhelming desire to please others, often at the expense of our own well-being. In this episode, we'll explore the reasons behind people pleasing behavior, the impact it can have on our lives and, most importantly, how we can break free from this pattern. Welcome to another episode of I'm Not Yelling, I'm Dominican podcast hosted by Nachi and Damaris. Hey family, it's your girl, Nachi, and I'm here with Damaris, your walking ray of sunshine. Oh, isn't that sweet. You are a ray of sunshine.

00:46

Thank you, sister, this episode is going to be really good. So if you've ever felt trapped in that cycle of people pleasing, well, this is going to be it. We're going to get into it and I know for a lot of us this is a cycle that is difficult to break because of cultural reasons, and it seeps into other parts of our lives. So I hope that this episode brings some light to a lot of those things. And, you know, let's break that cycle y'all.

01:22 - Damaris (Host)

Right, make some changes. So, as always, we like to kind of level set, have a shared understanding of what we're talking about when we're saying people pleasing, and, of course, there's no shortage of information online about what people pleasing is, and so I grabbed a couple of different definitions of what that looks like. One from verywellmindcom has a definition that describes a people pleaser is a person who puts the others' needs ahead of their own. This type of person is highly attuned to others and often seen as agreeable, helpful, kind. But people pleasers can also have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.

02:21

Today, psychologytodaycom also adds that with people pleasers, it can be related to dependent personality disorder. So while the people pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others regardless. The people pleasing personality is also related to masochistic personality type, which also corresponds with dependent personality, and I can see a little bit of that, especially when I read the masochist personality type, because some of the people pleases that I've encountered in my life, at least the most egregious ones, tend to be like martyrs, right, and at some level that's self-inflicted martyrdom. They ask you to be a hero for this person or to put yourself out there in those circumstances.

03:21 - Nachi (Host)

A lot of what I found shared similar thoughts, but another piece to it that I think we need to add is that they're always constantly seeking approval and acceptance from others.

03:37 - Damaris (Host)

Yes, yes.

03:38 - Nachi (Host)

You see that a lot right.

03:39 - Damaris (Host)

It's like Well, you know what that turns out to be. The characteristics of that right so the need to seek approval from others in that capacity and this is not to say that you're either a people pleaser or you're not, I think you may have some tendencies, right, absolutely.

03:55

So it doesn't mean that, you know, don't go by psychology today and be like, oh my god, I now have a new disorder. Let's stop with the labels, right, just stop. I just wanted to share that how it's viewed from that community as well as from the very wellmindcom website. As far as how they define a people pleaser, and again, I think we may have all at some point in our lives, exhibited tendencies to be a people pleaser. Yes, you know, I mean I can speak for myself. Yeah, you know, I definitely was like that with parents and certain friendships. Again, the lines were different for different types of relationships, but I saw that in myself at times.

04:42 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, I agree Because it's you know, going back to thinking about the types of people that we tend to, people, please, and you mentioned parents, and I feel like that's one of the bigger ones. You know, parents and extended family members, especially with in our culture. It's we've been, you know we are conditioned to appease all of these. You know our elders at some level, yep, yep, and you know we never want to disappoint, so we're always seeking approval and right. You know, especially when, when parents or or or aunts or uncles, they like to, they like to compare you to others.

05:31 - Damaris (Host)

Oh, yes, yes, I don't care about my primo. Like I hope he's fine, thank God, praise God, but leave me alone. He are not. Are not the same people? She and I are not the same people. Like stop, sister. Why can't you be more like your sister? Why can't you be more like your sister? Because I'm not.

05:48 - Nachi (Host)

I mean I think that's where it really starts, because then you're, you're, you're setting yourself up to really work at trying to please these individuals because you want their approval of who you are. And I think that's a battle and we'll we'll get into, you know, get into that later on, but you know it's. It's interesting to to see how people pleasing interjects itself throughout life.

06:24 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, absolutely, and I think you'll be able to identify that in yourself as we go through and talk through what. What are some of those characteristics? What does that look like, Whether it's in yourself or when you see that in others? And so you brought up the one the constant need for approval.

06:41

And that's absolutely true, whether it's in a romantic relationship or a familial relationship. There's that, you know, or friendship, or you know, just want to make sure that you're getting approval from external people that don't even know you well, but you're just like no, I have to, you know, it's a facade Right right, it's this constant need for approval and again the the theme of prioritizing the needs and desires of others over their own, always.

07:10

And and I and I've known people like that, where they're like constantly so busy because you're doing, if it's not for their kids, it's for their parents or it's for their siblings Look, you know, I love you to the ends of this earth, this realm, the next realm, all dimension sister, Same for my parents.

07:34

But here's what I'm not going to do, Like I just can't do what I'm not going to do is prioritize all of your stuff and not prioritize my stuff, because if I'm not happy, you're not going to have a happy de Maris helping you out, and so I need to like I do I do, but not at the, not to my detriment.

07:57

No, I love me the most. That's facts Like this is no disrespect to anyone, but I have to love me the most. Yeah, no one else is going to, and so I think some of that people pleasing this, putting other people's priorities outside of their own, and this is especially when it comes to mothers and their kids. This is so ingrained in women, and especially in Latino families and a lot of Caribbean families. At this level of you don't move unless you know those things. You've done everything for your kid, and that's. That's not realistic, because what's going to happen is that you're going to burn out, you're going to be filled with regrets, you're going to be constantly annoyed, you're going to be tired, angry, angry and you're like, oh, but my kids are great, what?

08:55 - Nachi (Host)

But now you're not good for your kids because you're biting off their heads.

08:59 - Damaris (Host)

So you know, these are some of the impacts of being a people pleaser, right? Well, so what are some of the characteristics?

09:05 - Nachi (Host)

Well, you, know, I think it goes along the lines of what you were talking about, but not disappointing other people, I think you don't want to. You don't want to feel. I'll say this. You want to try to avoid conflict, right yeah. Right, it's like you don't Difficulty saying no Right.

09:28

That saying no or feeling like you have to always have a reason. You remember how Bobby used to always come up with some crazy. Just tell them X, y and Z, and we used to say he loved the backstory. Yeah, I just say no, bobby, you're not going to do it. You don't need to have like a whole story as to why you can't do something. I think we fall into that trap Right. It's like no, it's just not enough, and so we don't want a complete statement though.

10:00 - Damaris (Host)

It is a complete sentence period Right Right.

10:04 - Nachi (Host)

But because we don't want to disappoint the person that's asking us to do something, whatever that may be, and you're like you really want to do it, but you're like, oh, I don't want to do it. What reason could I give them for them to be okay with my? No, they don't like to treat it.

10:22 - Damaris (Host)

I like to treat these types of scenarios like as if I'm speaking to a prosecutor trying to track me and they ask me the question and I just say no.

10:30 - Nachi (Host)

I answer the question yes or no?

10:32 - Damaris (Host)

No more. I provide no more context. Now, if you want the, context, you'll have to ask me.

10:37

But I don't, but I'm not obligated to give that to you, right, and again, I'll, I'll always provide context depending on the scenario. It's not like I'm just like oh now, bitch, I'm just saying I'm judicious about when I feel I have to, and there are times where it's just to know because I just don't feel like it, and if my body says no, I have to respect my body above anyone else, because no one feels what I feel, except for me.

11:06 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, yeah, but it's again no. It doesn't mean that you have to just say no or give a reason every time you speak to someone, but it's the whole idea that, whatever your reason, is that you feel it's not good enough. Right, you had said if I'm tired, I'm going to say no. Sometimes people won't say I'm tired, you know, I can't do that, I just want to sleep in, or whatever the case may be Like they feel guilty, like it's right when they're disappointed and because they think that being tired is so trivial, because you should be doing everything in all that's on your plate at whatever given time that people feel that guilt of.

11:51

oh well, you know, I'm not going to be doing anything, I'm just going to be laying here on my couch watching some Netflix or something. Not, that's okay.

12:02 - Damaris (Host)

You don't have to do it, you're decompressing.

12:05 - Nachi (Host)

And we all need that. We all need that moment. I, yesterday or earlier this morning, you know, I have I have a whole bunch of stuff that I have to do and I felt myself, um, you know, becoming anxious because it's like everything is due at the same. You know, like literally go around the same time yes, Right.

12:27 - Damaris (Host)

Yes, I saw a film about this podcast. Right now I'm like y'all got me tired, but I love it.

12:33 - Nachi (Host)

No, yes, and so I had to sit back and say, okay, you can do everything and you're just gonna have to let people know like you won't get it on such and such thing, but I'll give it to you on this.

12:51 - Damaris (Host)

It's coming Right, it's coming.

12:55 - Nachi (Host)

I'm trying to work with you, but work with me as well, because I already felt myself like it's Sunday and work week is about to start. You had to be honest, yes, and I was just like okay, this is way too much, this is way too much. Let me take a step back, because I already feel it and I know that that's a struggle for a lot of people and why they are always saying yes, yes, yes, yes, because they're putting all this stuff on their plate knowing full well they're not leaving any room for themselves. Because we all have to decompress, we all have to take a moment to refresh and be ready for the next task.

13:39 - Damaris (Host)

We just can't always, you know, like an energizer bunny, yeah, you can't neglect your personal needs, and some people are just not in a space to hear that, because I remember telling someone that I knew that was going through something and they're, you know, dealing with personal family issues that can be overwhelming, and you and I, having gone through what we did those last few years while a puppy was alive and his health just declining, I shared with this person. I said, hey, make sure you take care of yourself, right, Like make sure, because it's so easy to prioritize the needs of a parent that you love, like for us seeing them decline and you put everything towards that. But there needs to be a balance too, because what are you doing to ensure that your needs are met and the needs are not like, oh, you look like you haven't taken a bath in a week or you don't. Your hair looks a mess.

14:42

I'm talking about spiritual needs, like mental needs, emotional needs, Like when do you stop? When do you take a moment to decompress? When do you take a moment to, you know, unravel the things that are going on in your head and just be still? When do you take that moment to listen to the creator? Because you can't if you're constantly thinking about what's the next thing I have to do for XYZ person, but not everyone's here for that, because when I share that, I got a response of. I feel like you know, like you're trying to say something to me.

15:17

I'm like, yes, take care of yourself, that's you know like I and I'm not, I know how that is, but that, and that's when I was just like okay, you know what, God, the person that needs to hear my message will hear my message. It'll resonate with them, if it's meant to resonate with them.

15:34 - Nachi (Host)

Right right.

15:35 - Damaris (Host)

And there's nothing else you could do about that. But it's something that, again, we see in our community often, and I know it's not unique to us, but just the way we were raised like, that's how it is, especially for Latino women. It's like you're expecting, or if you're a girl, that's it. So your life is to know how to cook so that you can get married.

16:03 - Nachi (Host)

Girl, girl, ya te puede casa.

16:05 - Damaris (Host)

Everything's all once you know how to boil a potato, make some rice or something. Ya te puede casa what.

16:12 - Nachi (Host)

Nah, nah, yeah, stop being so. It's to call me microwave wife.

16:18 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, he did to me too.

16:20 - Nachi (Host)

So what are you gonna be like a microwave wife? I'm like, yeah, hoppa, I don't wanna be a wife.

16:26 - Damaris (Host)

Or how about I would tell her I'm like no, I'm just gonna make enough money so that I have a housekeeper and she'll cook all my meals and I'll make sure she's Dominican so I can have all of my best meals Like, why would I need to cook this myself?

16:38 - Nachi (Host)

Like you sound crazy, you sound crazy Papi.

16:41 - Damaris (Host)

But I think you know, when we think about what leads to these, the causes of why you become a people pleaser. Part of that is your upbringing, your childhood trauma or not, but just like just the way, the pressures of what's expected from you at a very young age and it's like, yeah, especially if you're a female, then you're expected to take care of your children, your husband, your parents. That's without question, right, like the boys in our family is just like, yeah, they're gonna live their life and do their thing. Meanwhile, the women are the ones that are holding it down, or expected to hold it down, and it's crazy.

17:26 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's true.

17:29 - Damaris (Host)

It comes from a lack of boundaries.

17:31 - Nachi (Host)

No, it does, it does and you know they set like these roles for us, right? Right, we hear thinking, oh, we have to do it all, and like, why do we have to do it all? No, especially if you're in a marriage, your spouse, your partner should be helping you through all of that and take, you know, like sharing that, the weight of taking care of the family, and it shouldn't be one-sided. But going back to your point of this is, you know, a cultural thing, and this is how we were raised. It's where it all begins for us, because we, you know, especially you and I, we've seen mommy how she would just take care of everybody, right, and then she'll always have an attitude. If we then jump up and do something quick enough for her, or even do it Like, why do you think the first thing I would do Saturday morning is vacuum clean.

18:35 - Damaris (Host)

No, I wanna watch my cartoons. I wanna ease into my day. It's not my fault that. That's not how you live your life, mommy, right, right.

18:43 - Nachi (Host)

Or that.

18:44 - Damaris (Host)

I didn't do with vigor, you know, like like she wanted you to be happy, and like with energy. No, I don't want to do this. My spirit tells me I'm not built to do this for the rest of my life. I'm doing this because I have to contribute to this household as a minor and I can't work.

19:02 - Nachi (Host)

This just burns? No, but you remember how we used to compete on who would get up first, because we wanted to be looked at as the best daughter. Look like the lazy one.

19:17 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, we didn't want to be looked at as the lazy one. Ridiculous, ridiculous. It comes out for me in so many different ways. Forget about people pleasing this idea of not being lazy, because Dominicans love to call you lazy if you don't do like five chores in two hours.

19:35

Girl and that need of like. I always need to be on the move. That was my problem for a long time. I'm saying no, I'm not doing that. No, To this day, your mother gets all crazy when there's dishes in the sink and I'm like I'm leaving it there. Lady, I'm rocking out.

19:53 - Nachi (Host)

It's not going anywhere. It's not going anywhere.

19:56 - Damaris (Host)

And I tell her I'm like, mommy, you have a problem, you got a sickness. She don't want to hear it. I'm like you're sick, mommy, you sick.

20:03 - Nachi (Host)

What about you? Same thing, like are you nervous? Like sit down.

20:09 - Damaris (Host)

He's like well, there's nervous energy about or fees you and shit like that, Like chill, Like yeah. But that was ingrained in her as a woman. Yes, growing up in Dominican Republic the expectations that should take care of the house. That is priority number one and taking care of the house means taking care of everyone in there.

20:28 - Nachi (Host)

Yes, and now, family is very much a me triac.

20:32 - Damaris (Host)

Yes, so, and I love, I love our family. I love every single person but Some of y'all got some generational curses. Y'all need to cut you are. Y'all need to end the cycle now.

20:48 - Nachi (Host)

But you're right, it's like we see it in ourselves, like I see it sometimes with my own kids, and I have to remind myself like I don't need to do everything At this moment, you know um and they're not gonna die if guess what, they don't get to do one activity, one less activity, then the five that they're in, like it's just.

21:09

And it's funny because, you know, recently I was traveling and the day I was coming home my daughter was like, oh, can I go to this basketball game and I go back to her and I said, nope, I'm traveling and I'm getting home today, and she was really insistent on it.

21:32 - Damaris (Host)

And.

21:33 - Nachi (Host)

I had to reply to her and say you do know that I'm traveling and I'm going to be very tired. I don't want to deal with Another task when I get home now. Was there time for me to take her? Yes, I could have definitely taken her, but guess what? I was tired. I was traveling most of the day. So coming home to take my child to a basketball game.

21:58 - Damaris (Host)

That's not priority number one or three.

22:02 - Nachi (Host)

It's not priority now. Was there a tinge in me like, oh, I could you know I could still do it I could you know, take her there and it'll be quick. I mean, school's not that far, but guess what? I had to tell myself no, there's plenty of other games that she can go to. She doesn't have to go for you, mom one.

22:21

Good for you. I'm tired and I'm gonna chill out, I'm gonna order some food, I'm gonna chill out and that's what I'm gonna do, but it it, it does rises up, you know, when you're dealing. You know, for me, I know it rises up when I'm. When I'm dealing with children, when I'm dealing with mommy, it's like, oh, I gotta do this for her. You know, I want to make sure that she has this and I have to talk myself To a point where it's just like you're one person, she'll be okay, like you can't be. You're not expected to do everything and be a martyr here. No, it's it. No, just step back. You're not gonna get an award. At the end of the day of you were the best mom and the best daughter you know, I mean, it's true, you're probably.

23:07 - Damaris (Host)

you'll probably get a mug Nachi, you'll probably get a mug from your kids saying number one mom. Love it great, but that 1099 is just saying it.

23:17 - Nachi (Host)

No, it's not it's not so, I have to like, let my give myself grace and say, hey, good for you, it's okay, they're not missing out on anything. You not doing this one particular task is not going to, you know, improve anything at this moment, or even, you know, make it worse. It's just, it is what it is. You are one person, you could only do but so much, and you have to put yourself first, before all of that, because, as you, need to say no sometimes.

23:50

Yes, yes, we you know you can't Give in an empty cup, so it's important that you fill yourself. Fill yourself up first.

24:03 - Damaris (Host)

Yes, I only give what Flows over my cup, not even if the cup is full. What flows over is what I give y'all, and actually I give you people a lot. I love you. I give you a lot, which means a lot flows over for me, but when?

24:20 - Nachi (Host)

it's not, I have to pop. Yeah, so you tap out.

24:24 - Damaris (Host)

Okay, I have to pause, I gotta take a nap. I just gotta take a nap, like Like I'm tired, yeah, but you know what, if nothing else, like I love our mother dearly, like you know she, we are who we are because of her and because of Bobby. But I will say I definitely feel her role in my life as Traditional as she was which I love, having grown up in a traditional home but there wasn't enough balance in her life and For me, I View that as an opportunity to break that generational curse right of feeling like I have to do everything in the house, or, you know, I have to be the one to do xyz, because I'm the woman of the house and I meant to take care of all this. I, I have limited capacity, I'm not an energizer bunny, and so I what I appreciate having seen that? Because I I saw the benefits, but I also saw the, the things that were not good from that.

25:31

And there's, there's a lot that Didn't have to be done. And she could, you know she could still be alright, but she didn't. You know, she didn't. All she knew was how she was raised and how she saw her mom live and the way her older sisters did things, and so that was the expectation that she lived with, and I Appreciate that, but at the same time, I rebuke a lot of that.

25:58 - Nachi (Host)

Okay, Because you could.

26:01 - Damaris (Host)

you could still be present, for you know, and there are definitely Right, yes and there are definitely a lot of things that I take from the traditional role that I applied to my personal life and everyday life, but there's just some things I'm like not gonna happen, not gonna happen.

26:18 - Nachi (Host)

Not gonna happen.

26:20 - Damaris (Host)

When looking into this topic more and they talked about the impacts right of people pleasing and the negative effects that can come through on your mental well-being and some of that is like a low self-esteem right, because some of that can come from the fact that you may not think you're worthy. So you have to please all these people because you don't want to disappoint because you don't think you're worthy and you're always looking for this external validation.

26:54 - Nachi (Host)

Right, right. I think the fear of rejection is another one, and just the strong desire for validation. That's what you're constantly feeling like. Everything that you do needs to be validated. Someone doesn't recognize that. They're like oh, I did this for you, okay, right, you know, I thanked you for it and I didn't know that you was kind of keeping score. Oh, what you've done, just fine, but you know it goes along with. You want that validation from someone because you want to be seen as the best whatever, the best wife, the best husband, the best father, the best you know, the best friend. You want all of that. You want to be considered the best. And so if someone doesn't validate your efforts, where for them they may feel like okay, you just did X, y and Z, it wasn't that big of a thing. But the person that's doing it, when they have like a million things, that one little thing is right right, because they're like yeah, I did that.

28:16

But you don't know that, and then it's right, I did that when I had a hundred other things that I had to do. Am I supposed I don't own your calendar? I don't know. Right, I had someone tell that to me.

28:30 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, I had someone say that to me and I said to them I never asked you to do any of that. If you feel you couldn't at that time, don't do it, because you're like, well, you know, we're such close friends. No, not.

28:44 - Nachi (Host)

If you're going to throw it in my face Right, just say I can't. I got too much on my plate, you know.

28:49 - Damaris (Host)

I'm okay Because I'm of the ilk. I'm going to tell you if I can't, and that's it. I won't even tell you about anything. Just so that I'm not promising, just so you don't have any expectations. And if I do it I'll tell you I do it. But if I'm not sure, I'm not going to tell you yes, or if I know, that's all. These things are going on and and again. You know that goes to like being a martyr and being like I. You know I'm not disappointing anyone, I'm delivering the best. And, yeah, not everyone knows your circumstances. So, wow, like you said, something, may it may not be as big of a deal to the person that you're doing that favor for and it is to you then maybe you need to step back and recalibrate.

29:38

Because, understand why do you feel so triggered about that? And likely because what you said you have a million things going on, Right?

29:47 - Nachi (Host)

You at the brink of burnout.

29:48 - Damaris (Host)

That's, that's what it is Over extending yourself.

29:50 - Nachi (Host)

Yes, you at the brink of burnout because you have you have over committed and now you're upset because this other person is not validating the effort that you've made, as small as they may feel it is, but for you it's a lot, because you a lot on your plate and you're like, literally about to burn out. And that is an impact of people pleasing, constantly saying yes to every single thing that anyone comes to you regardless.

30:30 - Damaris (Host)

And by doing that and being so busy and because you're so focused on everyone else and neglecting your own personal needs even if they're not physical, external, but they are emotionally, mentally, spiritually you start. You miss opportunities that are meant for you as well. You miss opportunities for self growth because you're too busy with everyone else's priorities.

30:52 - Nachi (Host)

You feeling like a failure because you get to accomplish what you wanted to.

30:56 - Damaris (Host)

Right, and that's because you spent 95% of your time on everyone else's stuff. Because you were, because you were, you were raised to believe you had to do that. That's what you saw with your family and whatever reason, yeah, that is what drives you to do that. And this is where, once you recognize that this, you have these tendencies, you know, or that you're like a deep, deep serial people pleaser, then I think for me, it's always about self reflection. I think I talk about that almost every episode and some people are afraid to do self reflection right, because they don't like what they're going to see. And a lot of that is peeling back, like building that self awareness and peeling that onion and asking yourself the why, until you get to the root of it. Why are you triggered by this? Why do you feel compelled to constantly, you know, overextend yourself, commit to all of these obligations that no one is twisting your arm for, and even if they are, why do you feel you have to if you don't have the capacity for it?

32:05 - Nachi (Host)

And if you can't do this on your own because I know a lot of people will try to tackle that on their own you can go to therapy for this. Like this is literally something like you can go seek a therapist and talk to them.

32:18 - Damaris (Host)

Talk through this because yeah, not everybody's ready to do it. Are able to do it on their own.

32:22 - Nachi (Host)

Yes, Right, right, especially those that are extreme people pleasers, you know like that. They are the ones who really and most likely would need someone help to help them walk through that process, because there's a lot of layers to it and you need someone to help guide you through those layers and how to deal with those emotions and feelings that come up when you identify some of these root causes. So it's important that you know, if you really truly are, that this is really important for you and you're serious about tackling this, like seeking some professional help if it's needed.

33:06

You know, again, some of us could just do it on our own and kind of go through that, those why tactics, you know, like why am I doing this? And kind of keep asking yourself why, until you reach that, that root cause.

33:20 - Damaris (Host)

But you can always my sister's, my therapist. I don't care if she's not licensed.

33:29 - Nachi (Host)

As long as no one suits me, I'm good.

33:32 - Damaris (Host)

You're the only one giving me advice that I see the rest of y'all. Y'all need to figure that out. Yeah, let's go to a therapist, it's true, it's true, and. But there are some easy things right off the bat you can do right. It's setting boundaries, prioritizing your happiness and your personal priorities, and we talked about the saying no and not feeling obligated to provide the extra context of why you're saying no.

34:00 - Nachi (Host)

No is a complete sentence, it sure is, and even whatever reason you have it's, it's a good reason. Yeah, I don't feel like doing it right that's that perfect, that is okay. You don't have to come up with some elaborate reason as to why you can't do something, just so that you don't feel guilty for saying no, it's okay. Whatever your reason is, it's okay, and if and if the person can't understand that, then they're truly not your people.

34:34 - Damaris (Host)

No, because.

34:36 - Nachi (Host)

I'm not gonna be mad at you if you tell me no, I can't do that. No, okay, no problem, because one I don't like to put anything. You know, make anyone do anything for me anyway. Right, you know, we talked about this in the previous episode. Yes, yes the imposter syndrome episode yet. So if you say no, okay, don't worry, because I'll try to figure this out, right, right.

34:58

As we know it's okay, but but at you know. But at the same time, I'm also the the type that I'm not trying to burden anyone that I love. Absolutely If you or thing no to me. Okay, whatever the reason it's a good reason for me Like okay, I accepted. Right, because I know if you truly, if you truly could help me, you would just say yes, and I know that from anybody that I know that I'm these are my people know is I don't take no as.

35:33 - Damaris (Host)

I know I don't feel any kind of way.

35:34 - Nachi (Host)

Never Because one I I appreciate when someone says yes.

35:39 - Damaris (Host)

I prefer the honesty instead of you doing it and then you, like she wasn't even that grateful for like, no, I'm not gonna do this with you.

35:45 - Nachi (Host)

Yes, you could have kept that to yourself. Go somewhere else and said no to miss me.

35:53 - Damaris (Host)

I guess it didn't work out Okay.

35:55 - Nachi (Host)

As you said before, be able to self-reflect and be aware of what's really. You know what is your limit, because you need to know that. You need to know yourself before you can say, okay, commit, I think, this is it. You know I've reached my limit. I don't think I can put anything else on my plate. I don't think I can do any more. Whatever that is, you need to be self-aware of that.

36:21 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, and also realizing you have a choice. There's always a choice.

36:30 - Nachi (Host)

Always, always a choice.

36:32 - Damaris (Host)

There is no, literally, unless you're being coerced with a gun to your head. You have a choice.

36:40 - Nachi (Host)

And even that's a choice, because that, even that's a choice.

36:44 - Damaris (Host)

That's a coerction right you know, but, you can choose. There is a choice, so but the point is, you have a choice. Things don't happen to you. Things don't happen to you. You know you made a choice and those were the consequences of that choice period. That's. That's what this is.

37:06 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, sometimes it's bad or worse yeah.

37:10 - Damaris (Host)

Basically. So you know, I think, and when we say going back to the saying no, especially if it's new to you to say no, start doing that and what could be viewed as a low-stake situation so you can start getting used to saying no during those bigger, challenging conversations with people that are closer to you, like family, close friends, and they may not take it well, but if you start to practice saying no with the smaller things, it it'll really help out and I think those are some really great strategies and techniques for doing and trying to address some of those people pleasing tendencies.

37:57

Yeah and I think we said it best. But the overall theme here is prioritizing your self-care and that is looking at that holistically, from self-care of your mental state, your physical, your emotional, your spiritual state. All those things are important to to to care of, and I think this has been a really well. I hope that it's been an enlightening conversation for folks on the understanding what the people pleasing tendencies are and and trying to work through those things, because this is a lifetime thing that you likely will have to work on, especially if it's something that you grew up with, and there's nothing wrong with with working on yourself and always improving Absolutely. With that said, we, as we always say, our message is consistent here. There's a lot of noise out there. Stop getting distracted by the smoke and mirrors and tune out the noise and focus on your purpose in life. We're meant to be joyful, so focus on that and vibrate higher and always. Thank you for listening. So, that said, don't forget to subscribe to our channel and follow us on Instagram, tiktok and Twitter at I'mnotyellie underscore Bye.