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Establishing Boundaries Episode Transcript

00:12 - Nachi (Host)

Welcome to our inaugural episode of I'm Not Yelling, i'm Dominican podcast, where we chat about life and solutions to vibe and hire. I'm Nachi and I'm here with my hitta, to my left and right, my homie and my beloved sister Damaris. We're two sisters raised in the Bronx, new York, by amazing Dominican parents and, like many first generation American born Dominicans and other Caribbeanites, we experience growing up in two separate cultures, which at times brought conflict when trying to adapt to American traditions, but many other times, much pride in our roots. This podcast will explore barriers and challenges in life and look at alternatives to vibe hire in the face of these challenges. So grab your coffee seat or tea, sit back and let's vibe. So let's get into this.

01:04

Today, we're going to talk about existing and establishing boundaries, something that's unheard of in many Dominican families. I mean, i'm just learning about setting boundaries myself and I'm in my 40s, so let's start off by asking what is bounty? What's the definition of boundaries? What does that mean, or what? what say you? Hey y'all, i'm Damaris, affectionately known as the slim reaper by my family, and yeah, you know I'm excited about this topic. I think very much so, because it's something that, as you mentioned, even in our 40s, we're just kind of figuring this stuff out and really trying to understand the boundaries, understand what they are and how we use them. It has been something that I think I've definitely used in my life, but not explicitly, and it's. It's nice to be in a place in my life where I could feel like, okay, yes, i'm actually being more deliberate with boundaries. So I'd say, for me, the way I define, define boundaries really is simple. It's what is and what is not okay with me. And I would say for you, like, what is and what is not okay for you, that should be your boundary, that should be your litmus test of what a boundary is. How do you define it?

02:33

Well, you know going back to the fact that this is new to me, right, because I I don't think I ever understood what boundaries were in the sense of setting one and ensuring that you know that my needs are being met, you know per se. So you know, when I started, when boundaries started to come into play for me, or at least when I started to understand that I have to set boundaries, otherwise other people are going to walk all over me or take advantage of me wanting to do for them, because that is just something that I've learned through watching my mother, you know, like mommy was always there for everyone, for us, for Papi, her sisters, her brothers, you know it was endless, right, everyone, right, everyone. It was endless, and that was just something that I saw that I, you know, i needed to emulate, you know, to be that, that person that I can count on. So I learned that you could still be there for your family and friends and even, you know, professional wise, be there for your co-workers, your colleagues. But there has to be certain parameters that have to be set so that one you can function to the best of your ability And, at the same time, you're still meeting the needs of people around you. So now I understand it to be what you just said, you know, is kind of making sure that you are being treated in a way that's acceptable to you, and that's just new for me. Yeah, i think that's when I, you know, thinking about how we want to talk about Carv, this, and structure this conversation. I want to. I view it as definitely identifying boundaries within my professional and my personal life, and I think personal life is there are a lot more boundaries and it's harder to be true, to those boundaries, whereas I find personally for me that when it comes to professional boundaries, it was much easier to execute.

05:26

So when it came to my profession, especially when I worked in corporate America and the first part of my career and for the bulk of my career has been in a corporate setting I remember early on that there were, in the beginning, i was working long hours and, you know, staying there past five o'clock. And then it just dawned on me and I don't know how or why, it's probably my spirit guides or something, but it just dawned on me that why am I staying here past five o'clock? Number one I work in the industry. I worked in asset management. We were on the buy side, which meant that we followed the stock market. The market closes at four And, honestly, if you're not like part of the trading or sales team, then you really should not be there past five o'clock.

06:19

It just doesn't require you to have to be there past five. So I would just think to myself. I started to think to myself why am I here past five o'clock? Remember, when you don't pay me enough? You just don't. My value is too high, you can't afford me honestly. But whatever you are paying me is not enough for me to stay, to go above and beyond Because I knew the quality of work that I delivered was spectacular.

06:49

I'm not tuning my own horn, but yes, i am tuning my own horn because no one else is going to do it for me, but I delivered. So I'm going above and beyond to not then get paid for that or to be compensated for that. And which was surprising for being young and new to corporate America, which I didn't realize that corporate, the corporate life that really is just there to get you at your cheapest as an employee. But here's what I was like well, i'm not going to give you everything because I know you're not giving me everything. So that was a boundary for me of when I walk out those doors. Number one I'm walking out those doors at five o'clock, unless there's, like, some major project and there were always exceptions to the rule, obviously But if there's no major project or work is on track and then I'm not seeing there past five. So, number one, that's boundary number one. Boundary number two is that once I walk out those doors, i am not checking email, i'm not making any phone calls Why you don't pay me enough And you don't pay me enough, right, right, and I agree with that And I think, with our generation we're, we're in between, we're Gen X, by the way We're between you, know our parents, you know generation, the generation before us, where You know, when it came to work, it was like you worked hard because that was the mentality You work hard and you'll get rewarded.

08:25

So you got to go above and beyond. So, working you know your hours or doing extra, it just it looks favorable to you, right, and then, and that's where that whole staying in your job for years and years and years, right, and I think that's, you know, something that we've adopted in our job. Like, i've been with, you know, companies that I've been with for 14 years or so And I didn't with you, the same thing, right, where, when you was in corporate America, it was about 14, 15 years with the same company And that's and I can appreciate the generation today where they're like, no, for just like you said, you're not paying me enough, it's never going to be enough. It's even worse when you stay in that, in that company, for a very long time, because you're never going to be paid as much as your worth or what the market is for, because you've already started from. You know right entry level and then kind of work yourself up, especially if there's no, no structure around, like, oh, this is a set, you know I'm going to jump you into a certain salary range. It's just like, oh, you get your 15% or 10% right, which is not the same. But you know, like I said, i agree, i appreciate the. You know the generation now where they're. Just, i'm going to leave, i'm going to do two years and I'm going to go somewhere. I'm going to use you for what I need you for, yeah, and that kind of you know sets the stage for them. No, that And those boundaries, i like that. I think it's smart of them For me and for my generation of that and that time. You know where I set my boundaries.

10:16

In addition to the time that I left was also when it came to my vacation time. That was that. That personal time is precious to me And so if you're paying me for my time off, then I'm going to take the time off. I. I took that very seriously and I also expected to be respected, my time to be respected. So my bosses were very. I made it very clear to my bosses um, under no, under no certain terms, that when I'm on vacation, i'm not to be communicated with because I'm not going to be available to communicate back, regardless of if it's a domestic or international trip. I'm just that bitch, I mean. The reality is like, again, you don't pay me enough to have me working on my vacation, right, right. But you know, there are people who make themselves available.

11:12

There were people that I worked with, even my bosses, and my personal life was separate from my work life And it was very much. Look, when I'm off, i'm off the clock, i'm not my, you don't own all of me and all of my time. And that was very important for me in the way and in the way I protected that was by being very clear when I would go away, by being very clear when I took the time off, whether it was local, whether I was just taking every Friday off every summer, which I did do one year, by the way, and that's, that's just the key. But I also had good relationships with my manager. So it's not to say, like you know, if anyone's listening to this and saying, oh, my goodness, you just did whatever the hell she wanted.

11:57

No, i delivered and then so my you know, my 65% percent of the time I'm not going to send that I put into that job with someone else's were actually many people's 100. Right, right, not my problem, not my fault, that I was great at my job, it just what it was, what it was. And so I was able to have my boundaries respected, because I know not everybody is in that situation. But to your point, like when I think about the younger generation now and they're very clear on look, this is, this is what I will tolerate, this is what I won't tolerate, this is what I'm expecting, that's awesome, that's awesome, yeah, yeah. No, i think so too.

12:38

And and for me, when it comes professionally, i I'm just learning again, even with my job and setting certain boundaries, and I think I was sort of forced into it because, you know, with children and mommy, you know I just didn't have the the time that you know to to spend extra on work. But that came from that mentality of, oh, you know, this is my job and I need to show them that I am dedicated, that I'm, i'm a great worker, that I work hard, and you know there were times that I was working late, you know, take my laptop home and do some work, but now I have to set certain boundaries around that. Where it's like, no, I can't, you know, i have to be, i have to do X, y and Z for my children or I have to, you know, do this for for mommy, i cannot do that. So, yeah, i think for me it was forced upon. You know, i had to make those, those decisions, but I don't, i don't believe that that's what. That was something that I was doing before, where, i'll say it, it depends on who I worked for. This company that I work for is very different than ones that I've worked for in the past, and you know how I did. Yes, yes, so those companies shall remain nameless. Yes, yes, don't, don't play with me, do not play. The BX came out, yes, yes, oh, you trying me. Okay, i got something for you, You know, but with the, you know my current company, they're great, they're great people to work for, but the culture has always been there, is to be available all the time, like that was. I'll catch up with you.

14:56

I think, honestly, i think that came from my parents, in particular your father. Yes, i mean, bobby worked two jobs. Amen, god bless. Like both of our parents had two jobs. Your mom, she had her day job And then at night she was taking care of us, making dinner and lunch for your father for the next day. So her second job was taking care of the home and then your father worked two full jobs and we didn't see him till just the weekends, because left at 6am home by midnight.

15:27

But one of the things, obviously, that he's left with us I would say I mean I could speak for myself, but I think you'd agree is that when it came to work again, he was one of those that he. He was very skilled at what he did, so he was able to do the work. His 60%, 70% was someone else's 100, which means that he would finish his jobs and projects right much sooner, much earlier than the, than the average engineer, and so he would talk about that. He had his little TV, he would have his little setup. He had a little TV, a little setup and he would take a nap When you needed to, yes, and I was just like oh, so half the time you at your jobs either one you're like sleeping or you're reading or you're watching TV and you're getting paid for that You know what. That's what you should be doing. He didn't let them hustle him. He hustled them and he had his boundaries.

16:34

Yes, and I think about that and I think about you know ensuring that, especially when I worked at my last corporate job, about not feeling like I'm being taken advantage of or at least getting what I should be getting out of this. Right, max, capitalizing on what I have And I did And for me, i think about. I was grandfathered into their time off program which allowed no-transcript, six to seven weeks off in a year and I could roll over one week and I would make sure that I would use, if I got, if I had, six weeks that year, that I would use five. So I could roll over one week Right, use all five, and I didn't hesitate where I knew people that in other jobs, in other companies that Felt guilty almost to take time off And I just thought that was absurd because I'm, because that is my, that is time that they're being paid to take off, So that is their time.

17:37

Like to think that you should feel guilty for taking What you've earned, what you've worked for the time off is absurd, and so I I'll admit I used to feel guilty For Taking time off for sick leave, like, hmm, that I don't know why, but because that was your mother. We never took off for school. Even if we feel like a cold or maybe close to her fever, she was still sent us to school Like we were. I remember having perfect attendance pretty much almost every year of school that we went. Yes, that's absurd. No, it is. I. I always feel guilty When that's your mama and I rarely call in sick like it. I have to be really off that day and that's rare For me. Your children have no issues Calling sick or school. Oh, no, no, they, and you know what, and and recently I've I respected that.

18:45

I would just let some say, speaking of family, this is a nice segue into the boundaries within families and and I think about, i always think about just our childhood and the start of Developing those boundaries in your personal relationships and, in particular, i think about the good and the bad with your parents especially. You know these are Caribbean people. They have a very different perspective when it comes to boundaries in the house. Yes, like my children, right, i like none. You don't pay rent here, so I don't have the right to close doors. Invite people, do what you want, slam doors, any of that, yeah, yeah, no, i can't express your anger and there's no way, there's no expressing yourself as a young child, no, no.

19:40

But what are the ways that I feel that your parents were good about With us in our boundaries, especially when we had guests come over? Yes, and you know, guests could come over. We would greet them, but we would very quickly go right back upstairs to our bedrooms and do whatever we wanted to do. We did not bother to stay downstairs and entertain the guests with our parents, right, right. And even if the people that came had kids or age, we'd be like bye, yeah, hi, and, and your parents are fine. They were like, okay, they said hi. The girls say hi, they're good, right, that was great. Because you know what, to this day and I think you're all like this with your kids Yeah, you shouldn't force your kids to know to engage with others if they don't feel like it.

20:32

And And I'm and I'm a proponent for that and I'm and I'm grateful to your parents that they did not push that agenda on us. Like you, you gotta be this way with certain people Because you know what certain people, especially other don't, don't need that from kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, especially with children. That was something that I knew and learned about was that you shouldn't force Children to interact with adults, because that's kind of opening that door, you know, to To adults, who, who could sexually abuse the children and because they're so conditioned to, i have to, right, you know, appease this adult, because that's my, you know that that's what I need to do, that's what I was been, i've been taught and I didn't, i didn't realize that connection until, of course, you know, having children like, oh, you know what that's, you know, that's very true, i can see how that can Bridge, you know, yeah, that connection with someone that you don't even realize, because, you know, a lot of times, right, sexual abuse is through someone. Tell me, they know, they know. So, yeah, i, i don't force it on my kids either, you know, at the very least, i'm like Say hello, right, right, cordial, right, right, just a nice example of boundaries from your parents.

21:59

But then, yes, mm-hmm, the on the opposite end of the spectrum was, you know, the limited privacy we had from them. Meaning, right, my favorite story is of your male being opened by your father. Oh My gosh. Yes, let me just share this story. The intentions were good. No, it was, it was, and I appreciate it and And, to be honest, it really didn't bother me. You know, i wasn't, because I guess we were Right. I wasn't expecting you to to respect my privacy, it wasn't. You know how you see TV shows and you see the kissing. Yeah, we grew up watching mainstream, mainstream television of these white families and the occasional black family, but more often than not, the white family, and it's just like the kid is Yelling at the parent or they're slamming the their bedroom. Yes, i would be a maze, a flabbergasted, Can you do that? I'm like, yes, i'm not gonna try, but that's interesting because I know what's gonna happen if I try that. Right, right, a true smackdown, that's what? yeah, yeah. So to your point. Right, we didn't really They you when you weren't affected by this violation of privacy. But no, when we share the story, those will understand that, yeah, that was a boundary, that was cross.

23:36

Yeah, well, like most children, when they go to college and they get a little taste of freedom, one of those freedoms is getting their first credit card. I didn't really need a credit card, but you know they're right there in the student union. Oh, they get you, they get your, yes, hey. So I had my credit card, came back home and, and, um, you know, i didn't have a job graduated from school. Of course I'm job, so If I'm, if I don't have any money, what am I paying? Wow, you can send me all the bills, you. What I can't pay you, i don't have any money. So I wouldn't even open it because I knew what it was. It was a bill and I would just leave it there on the counter.

24:26

Your father was just like mommy, i Was. Is this your credit card bill? Is this the bill? I'm like. Yeah, he's like you have to pay this, but me, with what money? I don't work When I start working on paid them. No, mommy, no, no, no, no. He's like you don't know what I credit score is, baby. Yes, he was like you're gonna mess up your credit for you. That's very important. You need to just make sure that it gets paid. He was like you know what? I will pay for you until you get a job, but please don't ever do this again.

25:04

We didn't enforce anything, because this is kind of what we expected, but, but that is a certain level of boundary, that, for better, for worse, maybe shouldn't have been crossed, but it worked. It was for better for you in this example, but definitely, i think, of Other friends that I know that have, you know, a lack of boundaries with their parents, even as adults, and it's like their parents are still driving them crazy, and I'm and I'm grateful that Even when your father was alive, he didn't drive as crazy as an adult, and your mom is Super compliant, super like easy-going that she's. You know that she goes with whatever we say as she rides with it, and so I think, though, those are great examples, but I I see you and I know you as a parent. You've Done a lot of evolving, and there's always learning to be had as a parent, and even with the boundaries with your kids. So one of the things, like For me, i think about While I may not be a parent, i am an athiti that is like a parent to my niece and nephew Right, praise, god, all right.

26:19

And so There is, when you and I discuss certain matters with your kids. There are times when I tell you Cut that cord Right. Yeah, i'm just like, let them fall. Yes, yes, and not because I want them to get hurt, but I need them. But part of it is the learning and the experience, and sometimes you just don't get it until right until you go through it. But But It's, and it's. Also I view it as a boundary for yourself, because I want my sister to live a long life, but I see these kids draining her and stressing her the f out that I'm just like, okay, you, you're allowing these kids to, to have a certain level of Of stressing you out where I just feel like, no, you can just cut it out. Yeah, yeah, you, you can draw that line and at that point it's Right, you just gotta, gotta give it to god And just let that. Let it, let the cards fall where they fall and let the crumble where crumbles and all that good stuff. And so you know, yeah, and Kind of just with my experience growing up, um, and I think you said that you, you didn't really experience this, but I feel like I haven't, maybe because I was the oldest.

27:44

So but especially from like your mother, your mother was very stern and You know she was the enforcer right where poppy was like, okay, he was the one that set the rules, which we really know. We thought mommy was the. He pretended to be good, yeah, and mommy was bad cop, but he was actually bad cop too. Yes, yes, he was, he was, but he was like I ain't gonna let them think that I'm the bad one. He's like I'm good cop, i'm fun poppy, all right, all right, fuck out of this. So she was the enforcer and the thing is Well, yes, he was fun poppy, but you know, when you're the enforcer, this one thing about Dominican women they're not nice about it. Right, it's not about.

28:35

Oh, what do you need? Look, listen to me. This is why we're doing x, y and z. It's like do it, shut up, i want here and do it because I say so, there's no, why? Right, like, don't ask me, why, just do it and that's it, and don't have your friends ask me for anything. All of that. It's the approach, and it reminds me of One that we had an interaction and we had recently. Right, because I, i thought about it and I started laughing.

29:06

So remember when you were like, oh, let's, let's do this podcast, um, recording, oh, what is it on saturday morning? and I was like, no, i don't want to do saturday morning, and you said, wow, what you doing. I'm like, yeah, it's my boundaries Wild out. Yeah, i, i said you know you. You said, well, you asked me how is it a boundary? Because I don't want to start anything early in the morning, like before 12. Let's just put it that I don't want to do anything in the morning, on the day that I'm supposedly off from work and Do this in the morning. I want some time to kind of ease into my day, yada, yada. And you like, okay, well, you just you could have just said that, right, so right. I'm laughing. I'm like, yeah, you know what?

30:15

I think communication is my problem. I'm not so funny because I think about relationships that I've had in the past, right, and how I would blow up and I would tell you about them and you would always say calm down, bitch. Yes, like, why are you wild? and not knowing. But I'm just saying because there was, there was something else to it, right, and and as I was reflecting on that, because I was just like, okay, what? what bothered me? like, what was the trigger? Why? why did why, what triggered me that I snapped in the way that I snapped? and I was like, okay, i didn't like being questioned, i said what I said, right, i don't like being questioned. Okay, where does where does that come from? Why, why don't you like to be questioned? Oh, okay, well, because growing up You know how we couldn't do much of anything right. And If you ask, oh, can I go here or can I go there, it was like you get this blank. Look like What, why? why? like we were asking a stupid question. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

31:32

So it was almost like I had to think about okay, i need to come up with a reason why I want to do x, y and z Whenever I would approach mommy about it, right, so that I can get a yes, right, because my goal was I want to yes. So how do I approach this In a way that I'm going to get a yes? Most of the time was well, i just won't tell her, i'll just tell her something else, and You were of that cut, ask for forgiveness. Yes, yes, i'll just do it. Ask for forgiveness later, because it was just too much for me to think about. Okay, so let me lie to my parents. So, let me lie to my parents. Yes, that's, that's a great course of action. Yes, yes, the easiest way. So, so for me, that's my trigger now.

32:22

Like so when anyone questions my decision, it's like, oh, i gotta explain to you why I don't want to do x, y and z. I just don't want to do it right. So I have to, i have to, i have to take a step back and communicate clear and Okay, i don't want to do it in the morning, because I just want my time in the morning. That's wonderful, that's right. That would have been the end. Right, that would have been the end. But it was like I just don't want to. You know, like I got hype real quick And you're like bitch, come on now. Yeah, i was just okay. I was just asking why you couldn't, you, you get up early in the morning. So I just right, this is going to work. But it was, it was everything else. Yes, it was being questioned.

33:17

And then and then, like I said, i thought about other relationships that I've had, romantic relationships, right, specifically, where you know the dude would ask me something And I would answer it, right. But then, when you like, question me about my answer, now I'm getting, you know, like I'm getting the ride, and then I start going off and that's why they always like, why you, i've either been told I was nasty I've been, i've been the. I've received that And, yes, that is correct. You ain't got to be so rude. Why are you so aggressive? High style, what you mean. I ain't aggressive. You asking me a question, so I'm going to answer you know. No, i know. And then I like to trigger you further by saying point it out immediately when you, when I see that you're reacting Yeah, yeah, yeah, now I know your problem is your very reactive, you know, and so, and so I like it's my form of therapy, is my form of therapy with you.

34:25

I know that, i know, but I'm going to give it to you. It's to that, and that's right, it's to, to show you where you get it all crazy and then point out that you're being crazy. No, no, no, because that does make you work. You're about putting more triggers because, no, it's just a is fun to do and and be. It's, it's a learning lesson for you, it's a teaching I learn. Yes, no, it's not a teaching, but but no, you're in this great thought that you're starting to recognize this, and I think this is again just part of Experience, life, the certain things you just not going to know about or think about it when you're 20, when you're in your teens. These are things that some of it you just have to learn right, and you know you spoke about romantic relationships And I think about, for me at the, the area that I probably didn't have explicit boundaries were in my friendships, and this is something that I've been a little bit more deliberate with in the last few years, because I've only had to experience this like a couple of times.

35:31

Well, one particular friendship, it was a long one and it's just Towards the end. We would get into this, get into this argument over the same topic at least once a year, and to me, it was just driving me crazy That by like the second time of this argument, it was like an annual exam with your gynecologist. I'm like I'm not interested in going through this annual anymore. Not an annual exam? Yeah, yeah, an exam. Okay, that's what it felt like, because it was like this level of anxiety around this one particular topic And I'm like why am I feeling like this with my friend And does Ground on one day? Right, and I remember being very clear like I don't want to talk about this topic ever again. Like this is just not worth our time.

36:24

18 months later, the annual came a little bit later than normal, i was like, but it lasted longer. Look at that Better, what happened? And at that point I was just like I had two choices. I realized that I laid out a boundary, it was crossed, and my choices were either to continue to do the song and dance with this particular friend or to distance myself from that friendship. And I had to choose the latter for my sanity, for just it just wasn't worth the fighting, it just wasn't worth the anxiety, the audacity of dealing with someone that I was so close to, and so, and it was for the best For both of us.

37:11

And sometimes that's just what happens, that's the normal course of things. But you have to even get to the point where you know, where you realize okay, this is a line in the sand for me, right, and this isn't going to work for me anymore, right, and that's okay. But in doing that, people need to recognize too that they may lose something out of that. They may lose some friendships, they may lose the you know the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the relationships with certain family members. But I'm no longer of that. That line of thinking of blood You got to, no matter what you got, to be there for your family, right?

37:54

No, your family's also got to respect you too. At everybody in this world has to respect you, exactly. And for me, if you can't respect me, then that's, that's a non-start. I don't care who you are in my life, right, because I show respect to everyone And and this is a part of self love and self preservation Yeah, my sanity, I need to preserve that, my integrity. I need to preserve that. I need to move. You have to be able to. You have to be able, ready and and able to just let go of certain relationships and be okay with those consequences, right, if it's just not, if it's not serving you well, then it needs, you need to sever those ties. So I promise you will be 100% lighter, you will feel better. It is just not worth it.

38:47

And I also think that, again, learn this from our family. You learn this in particular from our parents. Your mom, she, she wasn't great at boundaries with her family, but your father, our father, he was, he was great at setting boundaries. Yes, oh yes, he was the king of oh, i'm cutting your ass off. Well, he was very generous with his time and his love for people. But if you crossed him in a way that he's just like and it would take a lot to cross him because he was, so he was of such a generous spirit, right, But when you did, he was done, That was it And you're cut, right, you only there's no habitual line-step is with Poppy.

39:32

Well, everyone you were telling why don't you just forgive that person? He was like I forgave them, yeah, you're like, you don't even talk to them. And he's like okay, right. And that's when I was like oh, okay, okay, yeah, Yeah, yeah, it was just like this works for you, But it does, because it preserved his sanity, right, because what he wasn't going to do was allow anyone to disrespect him. So, okay, you may have done something once, that's it Right, you will never get that opportunity again. Yes, you got that one time and that was it.

40:04

And that was something that I had to learn. That I was like, oh, this happened already multiple times. I can't let this happen again. I can't talk about the same shit again. That's it Right. Yeah, yeah, that's it, yeah, no, so, and and did to that, to that respect, you know you had mentioned earlier about my, my kids and you know, trying to set those boundaries with them.

40:29

And it's true, you know, with children especially, i think, parents, you know they try to go above and beyond and want to provide them and give them more than what they were given when, you know, when they were growing up. Make sure that they have all the opportunities. And I know that for me, it was always frustrated when I feel like like there were opportunities that I would, you know, try to help my children obtain and they're just their mindset was just not there. And I would get so frustrated, right, like, oh my goodness, why wouldn't you want to do this, why, why? But then to your point earlier, when you was telling me, like sometimes you just have to let it go, and I'm like that's so hard when it's your child, and yeah, of course you want the best for them. But then I think about Don't you want the best for yourself, Right, and I think about your mom, how she would and why she was always.

41:37

Remember how we just like, why, why are you so upset, like you needed us to do something, just say so. Like, why are you so angry, so angry? And that was like I started seeing myself being that way, because it was. I understood, like, as, as an adult, i understand why she was always angry, right, as a kid. It made no sense, right, right, because she has so much on her plane and all she wanted was just for us to proactive, show some proactiveness, just take the initiative and just do something. Don't just sit there. And why do you wait for me? Right, cause I don't want to do this, basically, and that's my children. Right, like, i don't want to do this. And you hasty, looking at the mirror.

42:25

Yes, so I have learned and I definitely have let go some things, and you and I have talked about it. I'm like, yes, i'm just going to let it go. You know, right, let God lead them. You know I will always be there to support them. But, right It's, it's not going to be to my detriment, it's unnecessary. Yes, right, right, right.

42:52

And sometimes I have to kind of let it go in other ways. You know, i'll talk to you, i'll talk to the therapist, you know everyone, just to kind of let it, because it does get to me at times. You know, again, you, just, you want certain things for your, your children, but again, they, you know they have their own lives. This is right, you know, like they always say, you don't own your children. You're right to kind of support them in their journey, and that's what I'm trying to and that's a mentality that we need to grow out of, because that was how we grew up And that's how very much our Dominican family, our parents and the way our aunts and uncles were like not that they owned us, but it was like look, you are a reflection of us, right? Therefore, we need to behave a certain way. Yeah, x, y, z, and it's just like no, this is some, that's a, that's a curse we have to break. And, yes, And you're thinking about understanding the boundaries that you have been establishing, what are you seeing as some of the benefits from doing that?

44:01

Well, like you said, it's it's, it's a part of your self, love is it's, you know, self preservation, as you pointed out. I think, with so many things going on in this world, that's you should be able to take control of your own life, right, you know what, what's going to work for you and what's not going to work for you, and you have to be able to identify that right and and decide, okay, what's this line that I don't want you to cross, and decide what's the consequence to crossing that line and commit to that, because that's how you get to teach other people how to treat you Right And that's what's going to make you happier And you end up loving yourself, because that's where you know self love comes from is being able to know what those boundaries are for yourself and letting others know by clearly communicating. That's true. I to your point or related to what I said earlier about for me being more deliberate and explicit with my boundaries, especially over the last five years 10 years if I'm including like the most recent relationship with my husband and all of that. I think I'm with him now and I married him because I was very upfront and clear with him about what I expect out of our relationship, whereas in my 20s I was not always forthright with my expectations or what I'm okay with, simply because I was either afraid of the answer or afraid of what the outcome is going to be.

46:09

And then in my thirties one I met my husband. It was just like no, i, this is what I'm, what I could deal with and what I can't write. So I'm going to be very straight up when we first go out. Look, not in some intimidating way, but it's just like, i'm just very clear. And if it's yeah, and if like, and you was okay to walk away, yes, it was the biggest thing.

46:30

Yeah, and it's freeing, is very freeing, and I and that's what I say the benefit, part of the benefit of, like, yes, the self love which is about the self preservation, and but it's also just freeing. It's like this level, there's just like something off your shoulder when you could just express Hey, this is what I expect, regardless of the relationship, whether it's a friendship, you know, a lover or a family member, this is what I expect. And if you can't deliver, then I'm stepping back, I'm removing myself from that equation. And but again, you have to, you have to be prepared to do that. So, yeah, and I know, like, when it comes to romantic relationships, that's just something that I've never, i've never done, i never said boundaries, and that's something that I've learned.

47:24

You know, from my marriage, my failed marriage, and you know relationships that I've had after that it's just yeah, Yeah, and all of those are like, those are learning moments because, right, right, while maybe the marriage didn't succeed, but where you got from that you learned a lot. Oh yeah, absolutely For that next thing Absolutely, and to be clear about that's how I, to me, my relationships that I had in my 20s, oh, most certainly prepared me for what I expected And the woman that I grew into, that I continue to evolve, to be in this relationship and just as an individual of just like okay, this is what I want and what I expect, and I have a partner that is so open to communicating that it's just like okay, yes, yeah, i know you guys do a great job. I'm like, oh, wow, i can't really talk to that. If it was me, i probably would have been yelling like who the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, that's my problem, though, you know, people are always like surprised, they always think I'm more so ready to get into some sort of confrontation, and I actually don't. I don't like it, but I I try to avoid it by being as direct as possible, which is, i guess, a form of confrontation. But but part of me is like, oh, if I'm not directing, clear, then we're gonna have multiple conversations about this, and I can't do that. I just have a low tolerance, and I think I definitely favor your father in that respect, although your father's passive, aggressive. I'm more aggressive, but he was a king of petty And I'm I'm also the queen of petty sometimes. So there's certain things that I got from him and then other things that, yeah, not so much Right, right, yeah, yeah, but you know, just to me those are, those are the kind of the ways where I established my boundaries, and to me it's it's just about being as direct as possible And I know that's not easy for everyone, but I just don't know any other way And this is the way that's worked for me.

49:29

But I know, you know, just reading some articles and stuff, i can very well be things that you write out right, or that maybe you know you speak to the person and however you want to communicate, there's no right or wrong way to establishing the boundaries. The key is to communicate them, to not expect that people know what your boundaries are to, because one of this article that I read they it talked about people that need to be communicated explicitly about. Boundaries are those with a low emotional intelligence. And so you, instead of assuming everyone has a high emotional intelligence, like I do Yes, like yourself I can read a room, i can read a person. I just choose and I use that information to choose how to interact with them, right, not everyone's like you, i know, i know. And so, for those with low emotional intelligence quotient, those are the ones where you need to be very explicit about what is okay and not okay with you.

50:41

What are your boundaries? And so, again, i think you know establishing them is about how do you communicate that and what are you most comfortable and how you communicate it. But the bottom line is you got to communicate it, otherwise no one. You can't assume people are going to know what your boundaries are. No, no, you can't. That's true, that's very true, i know. And they can't read your mind, nachi. No, i know, i know, sometimes I wish they did. Like, why do I have to go into this long ass explanation? But I know, i know I get it. But, as you you said before, you know being less stressful and that sense of calmness is definitely a benefit from, yes, from setting these clear boundaries with others. So, yeah, and so are there any other ways that to establish boundaries? that to add on to what we just discussed?

51:36

I think we said you know, to make sure that you know what your boundaries are, and sometimes it might just take you know some time. But being introspective, yeah, that's actually a good point. Not everyone even realizes what their boundaries are. Right, exactly, it's going to take some time, but it's taking that journey and deciding okay, i need to start setting boundaries for myself, and things will come up. And when you see something that triggers you, that's when you need to start reflecting and, you know, decide, okay, what triggered me and why did it trigger me? Right, and deal with that. You know you got to deal with those issues because that's that's causing you, you know, to be triggered and you're not, you haven't dealt with that. And then that will also help you decide what those boundaries are and be able to communicate that. So I think that's just that's for you know, at least for that, for me, that's been working.

52:39

Where you know I don't know what all of my boundaries are. That's actually a good point, that's a that's the starting. The starting point should be identifying what your boundaries are. Number one, yeah, right, and then yes, followed by how do you, how to best communicate those boundaries? and that would likely depend on your audience, Right, exactly, the form you know.

53:01

Well, the audience would dictate the form in which you communicate those boundaries, and that's the key, and I hope that our listeners today have taken some good tips or have gotten some insight into themselves and and understanding about boundaries and how it's probably impacted their lives in ways that they've not even realized. Like I said earlier in the conversation, i didn't even realize I actually had boundaries, and I was, but without being explicit about them, as I am now into my adulthood. But we all have them. It's just a matter of our do you do you do you support them? Do you do you enforce them, rather, and and how well do you enforce them? And so and that's the key, and and I hope our listeners today have are taking away some, some key ideas for themselves and in their lives.

54:04

Absolutely, you know, we know there's a lot going on in this world and we don't want that to be a distraction to your, to your purpose in life, and so we hope and we want you to continue to make a conscious effort of keeping your vibrations high, your energies high, your frequencies high and living the best life. You can. Don't forget to subscribe to our channel, follow us on Instagram, tiktok and Twitter at I'm not yelling underscore and have a wonderful day. Thank you guys. Bye, bye.