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Finding Self in the Landscape of Love and Dating Episode Transcript

00:00 - Nachi (Host)

In this episode, we will talk about something we can all relate to dating. We'll take a deep dive into the ups and downs of modern dating, from heartbreak to self-discovery. Welcome to another episode of I'm Not Yelling, I'm Dominican podcast, hosted by Nachi and Damaris. Hey everyone, this is your girl, Nachi, and I'm here with Damaris, also president of the Don't, at Me. Club Okay, and we're so excited to have with us the lovely trio Yessie, Maggie and Haydee on the podcast. No todo se cura con vicks. Welcome, ladies.

00:49 - Yessie (Guest)

Thank you. We're so excited to be here.

00:53 - Nachi (Host)

That's worth yeah, we're excited to have you here. Why don't you share with our listener about your podcasts who you are, so that they can get to know you better?

01:03 - Yessie (Guest)

Sure Yessie, go ahead.

01:09 - Yessie (Guest)

Sure, yeah, theta my fling.

01:15 - Nachi (Host)

That's what family is about?

01:22 - Yessie (Guest)

Wow. So we do have a podcast that is called no Todo Se Cura Con Vix and is hosted by Maggie, Haydee and myself.

01:31

Maggie and I are sisters and Haydee is our primer mama, and we decided to do this podcast briefly because it's a long story, but briefly, after experiencing a deaf in our family, where our grandfather passed away.

01:49

He was 106 years old and we were just talking about our experiences as Latinas, as Dominican being race in New York City, and not only talking about all the beauty of it, but also talking about the struggles, the difficulties of moving into, the difficulties of being raised by immigrant parents, and the challenges also, but also the beauty and the connection and the love that they showed us and how we were so close to each other, like we were raised all together in the same building, as if we were to be brothers and sisters. And then we thought about, hey, why don't we make Maggie was really the one who had this idea like our experiences are so beautiful. But I bet you there are so many Latinas, dominicans, that probably can relate to our stories and we can talk a lot about our journey and discuss the things that the challenges, the beauty, all of it, and I think it would be so beautiful to share our stories.

03:00 - Nachi (Host)

We need more of our voices out there. So we are happy.

03:04 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, there's a lot to be shared out there, so we appreciate that there are additional voices out there to represent all of the different perspectives, because we're not a monolith. I know we're really excited to talk with you, ladies, and jump into, like, the idea of the world of dating and relationships. I'm excited about this topic. Although I'm married, I was single for you know the my 20s and the good portion of my 30s, and so I, uh, I've had experience in dating, although not in this world where, you know, it's an app-based world, and I don't know what I would do right now if this was, if I was out there single.

03:56

Word.

03:58

Yeah, no, sorry, nachi, but I still feel like there's still things that would apply to this day and age, and so I want to start off with kind of getting you guys's perspective on why do you think, or why you may feel, that it's so daunting to kind of put yourself out there in the dating world. What's that like ladies?

04:24 - Nachi (Host)

Well, I'll say this it's it's daunting because it's for me. I'll start with this I've been married, divorced, so I have experienced dating before marriage and dating after marriage, and it it sucks nowadays because and I and I say that I don't want to be like a downer, because it's not all the way bad, but this is what I've experienced and why I feel it's so daunting is the idea of going on these different apps and creating a profile to basically showcase yourself like this is who I am, pick me, you know, I'm great, you would love to be with me, whereas before it was like you could be socializing, you know, at a, at a gathering or a party or whatever. It's always it was organic Nachi.

05:28 - Damaris (Host)

Would you get it? It was organic, yes.

05:30 - Nachi (Host)

So for me I felt like that was much easier and I actually prefer that over having to go on these apps and then trying to girl, I'm just just thinking about it just giving me a headache, but but just trying to develop, because I find that today a lot of men don't like to have conversations and I like to get to know you before I even go out on a date.

06:03

Like, let me, let me hear you.

06:05

You know, like, let's have some conversation here, let's, let's, let's see where your mind is at before you know I meet you for anything like I, because I don't want to waste time going to meet you somewhere and I'm not, I'm not feeling you because you know five minutes and we're like, oh, I got an emergency, gotta go. Sorry, you know, yeah, all of that, that's my whole daunting. To me, you know, now, versus before you know, early earlier in my dating life, where I don't think things are again not to say that it can't happen nowadays, but I think, with you know, life being busy for me it's so much harder for me to be out there In the same way that I was Before marriage and before kids, and so to me that's, I feel like that's. You know, that's the you know the daunting part of it all. It's just having to put yourself out there like you're Some product or something trying to sell yourself to someone that you don't even know. I don't even know if I like you for me to try to sell you me.

07:31 - Yessie (Guest)

It's like left, right, right yes.

07:36 - Damaris (Host)

Because I think about like, if I had to go on the app. I Always told people before I got married I was like I can't go on an app. I can't encapsulate this in two paragraphs.

07:49 - Nachi (Host)

I don't know, but and I also feel like it's it's also it hinders the, the other person that you're looking like. You know, whoever you're looking for it's you don't get their full, full person in front of you. You read a couple of Things and that, right there, will turn you off where, if I met you out Somewhere, you know, we might have, you know, struck a conversation, we might connect in that way.

08:15 - Yessie (Guest)

But I see these little two Sentices or, you know, these really bad pictures of you and yeah, why do you think it's so hard to do it like we used to do it before? What do you think it's? It's the challenges of happy like. Everyone is online right, like on those dating apps. That's the reason what everybody does, and it's just right, but that's the reason.

08:52 - Yessie (Guest)

People just don't know how to connect anymore Everyone is on their device. Like you go somewhere. If there's like 10 people at a table, at least Eight of them are on their phones. They're not even talking, yeah, yeah, so you. They don't even know how to like connect person to person anymore. I've been on dates where I'm like what the heck?

09:17

like I have a better time by my damn self like right, go home and Dance away at my house, put my music chill, then to be with you, you know. So that's what's happening. People are just not. They don't know how to connect. They don't know how to talk. Yeah.

09:38 - Yessie (Guest)

True.

09:39 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah.

09:40 - Damaris (Host)

You say, this works after COVID.

09:41 - Haydee (Guest)

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah everything got worse after COVID.

09:47 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, the weird came out for real, for real. But you know, it's funny though is that you know my husband, he's I, yeah, he says that I'm weird anyway, but I'm like, yeah, you know he's like, but you shouldn't be, you're weird together babe.

10:05 - Yessie (Guest)

It's so interesting you say that because my husband it just be like.

10:24 - Maggie (Guest)

Like, share it with me so that I can tell you it's not okay to share it with.

10:32 - Yessie (Guest)

But you guys are good, weird I am extremely weird. You know and and stuff, but this is safe. Weird. They're weird, weird like you're just, but I, those apps make it even like better for these weirdos. This is there, this is their playground right that those apps.

10:55 - Maggie (Guest)

Yeah, and you hear like horror stories, like crazy stuff that happened. Crazy guys, or girls too. No, I watch a lot of true.

11:12 - Nachi (Host)

I don't know about you.

11:15 - Damaris (Host)

She already told my husband she was like if de Maris ever goes missing, they always say I love you.

11:34 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah, watching those things. I would be honest, I've done online dating and that went, you know obviously I'm still single. And After I stopped doing the online dating of course I'm watching ID and they have this whole series, unlike online dating. When I'm telling you, I was like, thank you, behind you protected me. I thought of every scenario of how I've could have gone missing and all this stuff and I'm like am I like? That made me feel no judgment here, but that made me feel desperate.

12:22 - Nachi (Host)

And.

12:23 - Yessie (Guest)

I did all of this for a freaking date that went nowhere.

12:26 - Nachi (Host)

But I think it just it goes back to what I was saying, that Before we go on a date can we have a conversation is I think that's another thing that I, you know I was dealing, dealing with in this second phase of dating, and, and it has been with individuals who just love to text. They don't want to, you know, pick up the phone and have a conversation. It was just really weird to me.

12:55 - Damaris (Host)

But you know, what's funny is that I expect that for millennials and not from Gen Xers. And I know you were like looking at Gen Xers. I'm, like you, too old for this shit because they got into.

13:04 - Nachi (Host)

They got into that, you know, whatever everyone else was doing, so you get Right.

13:14 - Damaris (Host)

When you don't have a conversation, behind a little text here or there or your fake.

13:20

You know pictures where you like did the angle you did the high school yearbook picture, shit, hmm, is the McDonald's you and not the Del Monte? But I mean, well, that said not she. Like I'm curious to know, like, well then, how do you kind of cultivate like this healthy Approach to dating, when I feel like, especially in this day and age, how challenging it is and we just talk through those things, how do you what? How do you cultivate that mindset to be like, okay, let me, what am I looking for? How am I approaching this positively and what are you shifting?

14:01 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah. So I think, for me at least, there were some things that that I've learned and Felt like I need to. You know, make sure that I start doing for myself. So I want, I think you need, to date yourself Right, because when you, when you realize what it is that you like, what you want, and you're able to identify what it is that you, you can't tolerate or you won't tolerate, it's much easier to kind of navigate this dating world. Right, it's just all. Right, I know what my boundaries are and in one of our episodes about boundaries, I've talked about how, in the past, I never really had any boundaries.

14:52

Right, like I thought I had Boundaries, but I never. I never held myself accountable. Right, it was, it was always. This is what I've said. I've expressed how I felt this is. You know, I've expressed what I needed and I still didn't get it from this person. Then you know it's making excuses and you know doing the work around and like, okay, I could deal with this or maybe I now with it, now, and I know what my boundaries are and I just is very little that I would tolerate Because I just don't have the time anymore. Right, like I'm tired. I'm tired, I really don't have time to waste my waste any time on negative energy, bad attitudes, dealing with people who have no sense of. They don't have any sense of worth, so because they don't, you know, see any value in themselves, that's how they start projecting on on you, and so I've learned to kind of keep all that at At bay, because I know what I want and I know what I need, and so by knowing that, I Know how to, how to cut some, how to cut a situation Shorter than then it should even go. So we're.

16:04

In the past I probably would have stayed in a relationship for far longer than I needed to, right, but nowadays is just like okay, I'm just not feeling you, like you acting kind of weird, you're not, you're not expressing yourself, like I'm not here to read your mind. So if you can articulate your feelings, if you can articulate what you need, I'm not here to try to figure you out, because I'm not psychic and even if I was, I'm not trying to trying to do that. So For me it's just, it's a lot of self-reflection and figuring out you know what it is that I need and what I want out of a relationship, and and knowing what I want is much easier To deal with individuals out there where I don't just fall into a relationship when that was my case back in the day right, it was like, oh, he's my boo now and we're together and Jumping from one relationship to the next. So now it's just like I.

17:13

We're done. Okay, I have another one by next week.

17:21 - Maggie (Guest)

It's great that you say that, because it's true, like if I, when I was dating, I was in my 20s and I met my. I met my husband like the old-fashioned way. I don't have my old job, you know, but I did do dating. I tried the one dating app because I had a good friend that did find her husband there and it was weird. You know everything that you guys say say that that that's how it felt and I feel like back then people were not as openly weird as they are now.

17:59

But but if I was to be dating now that I'm 38 and I've done so much work on myself, I Feel like I will be by myself for a very long time because to get in the serious Relationship there's just a lot of things at the moment that I see I'll be like. I know, like if you are, if you're my age and you're like you're talking to me about issue with trust, I know I'm not dating with you. You should have figured that should have a long time ago. I Know if you aren't about, you know I have a hard time. You know talking my feelings, this is not gonna work out. I do not need a headache, you know. So I mean it's it's, you know, it's very true. Like when you start really Knowing yourself and like really knowing your worth and loving yourself and dating yourself, you don't tolerate a lot of things and maybe that's when dating even becomes harder, because there's so many like Creepers out there and you know that is like you're like at another level.

19:15 - Nachi (Host)

Maybe I find it makes us because it's easier for me to kind of let go and not not sit in this oh yeah, not sit in a situation where is it me like? You start looking at yourself and maybe you know you begin to like self-criticize, you know, unknowingly, because, again, if you, if you so not saying you're desperate, but if you so like, if you desire to be in a relationship so bad, are you willing to just like accept other people's Shortcoming? That's making you feel some kind of way, where you start feeling you like you're, you're the cause of the unhappiness of the other person. And I Feel like I feel more liberated now where it's just like that's yeah, it's so easy to just be like no that's not my problem.

20:06

Yeah, I can't be your therapist.

20:10 - Yessie (Guest)

And that's what I feel like. Yeah, when I'm dating, I feel like At least what I have attracted in the past is people, men, that are just. They want to hear Tips and and suggestions and all this stuff, and I don't have time for that. I'm not a licensed therapist, one I'm not your mom.

20:34 - Nachi (Host)

Contact Yessie right.

20:35 - Yessie (Guest)

I'm just trying to get to know. You hang out, share space and memories like why do I have to like walk you through everything in?

20:44 - Nachi (Host)

life, yeah, you know like be.

20:49 - Maggie (Guest)

You're like I'm trying to have a good time when you're here, making very complicated for me.

20:55 - Yessie (Guest)

It's too complicated and you know there's a lot of baggage, mm-hmm, and since they don't know how to heal and take care of themselves, so they probably don't even know what the root of the problem that they have already is.

21:07

They come with all this bullshit and when you're you've already worked on yourself, you know, like you know not, she said you know what you're worth. Like you're not out there Trying to take up extra crap. You just want to, mm-hmm, find someone that's either in your level or try to, like, uplift you. You know let's, let's think about bigger things in life. I don't want to think about the regular things that I think about when I'm talking to you.

21:36 - Nachi (Host)

Build something. It's. I don't know where I heard this from, but it's. It's that scene where you don't, you're not, you're not there to kind of complete each other. You should each come in as a whole person, right? Because Together, as as two whole people, you come and can build so much more, whereas your Half full, the other ones half full, and you're dealing with the other shit you can't.

22:08

You can't even bringing yes yes, and can't even deal and heal what's already, what you're already dealing with, and that's what's important. It's like you need to start healing yourself before jumping into a relationship or thinking about like it's okay to go date, but if you, if you're dating because you want to you know, in extension, want to have a Relationship with, with a person, then you need to like, really think to yourself like, am I ready for this? Am I truly ready for this? And not, oh, I just want to be in a relationship. Because I know a lot of people. I just I love to be in a relationship and and that was me back, you know, back then, like I just love to be in a relation, I love to have me a bow, and a bow I had.

23:07 - Yessie (Guest)

I was told of Jim.

23:07 - Damaris (Host)

Brown Right about the whole. It's a level of self-awareness, a self-awareness to know what it is. You're gonna tolerate what you're. You know what your limits are. You know you said it already is your boundaries, and I know, for me, when I was dating, not to could tell you I was always very clear. I Think I was that was something that I mean, was not hard to do. It was only hard for me to set boundaries, actually with family and really close friends, but with dudes or anyone else, I'm like what?

23:41 - Yessie (Guest)

okay, like I don't know who's talking to. A song to the exes you know, like you did this for me.

24:01 - Damaris (Host)

So like just having a low tolerance for bullshit, it was just, and I'll say for me it was due to how we were raised, like we had a very loving father who just For me he was the standard and I'm like you motherfuckers just don't measure up, so you can't come to you can't come with me with come at me with any kind of nonsense, because I'm just like Told I am the greatest person Every single day. Need you to do more? I need more why settle for less.

24:39

You know, and I mean it got to a point when I was in my 30s and I think my parents are like, oh my gosh, she's never gonna be married and no one's gonna take care of our baby, we're gonna leave this earth. And my father's, like mommy, maybe be a little bit nicer, and I was like I'll consider it, but I didn't change, not gonna do it. Yeah, no, it's important.

25:05 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah, I think it's also like being able to know what it is that you're looking for in a relationship and defining what it is Right, because I think many of us, like we were saying, we just want to be with someone Without understanding, like, why do you want to?

25:21

be with someone is it because you're finding someone to fulfill you or Give you the identity that you're looking for like. Why is it? And I think it's so important to Understand first, what is it that you need in a relationship? And so I. I am married, and I've been married to my high school sweetheart, but I've been remarried like 10 times Because with the same you grew up with the same man because we grew up together.

25:54

Life looks different when you do the work. Relationships look different, your knees change, and so we constantly have to work on that and voice and set boundaries and work together because life changes as you age, as you become older, as we become parents, and so, even though I've been in this relationship for a very long time, it still is sort of like a challenge to be in a relationship, because we are constantly changing as we continue to do the work. And when you are doing the work to heal, to have healthier relationships, to tap into your authentic self, you're going to be a completely different person, and so that person, that partner, has to also do the work and make the connection.

26:48

Yeah and I think sometimes that's the piece that we all forget, and I think that we're like yes, we're looking, yeah, we want to partner, we want to partner, but we're not really thinking of what does that mean? Yes, what am I willing to? What am I willing to give? What am I not willing to give? Right, and what's the definition of?

27:12 - Yessie (Guest)

A lot of guys are like dating I'm not just going to say guys, but my experiences are with guys. So I just feel like they're dating with all these expectations of what a woman should be like to them, but they don't do the work to do anything Back either. It's like, oh, you know, like I've even had guys ask do you cook? I'm like, can you build a freaking house? Like, why do you care if I cook? You know how to fish, you hunt, you know it's. Why are you asking me such stupid questions? Can you cook? So stuff like that? And I don't like that, you know. And the old me before I did the work and, and you know, really try to figure out who I am. I would do anything to please, you know, someone I was with. I would bend backwards to just, you know, feel loved and and wanted to make sure they saw how much I love them.

28:18

You know, let me give everything I can, because that's the way to keep a man and looking at myself back in the day, I'm like, wow, like this is like people pleasing to the next level and I had to learn to set those boundaries and learn how to really put myself first and through that I you know, it's like the guys that come over.

28:42 - Damaris (Host)

It's like oh, this is not gonna work out.

28:47 - Yessie (Guest)

They call me feminist, they call me all kinds of things. They're like no, you're not for me, but I'm like thank you. Yes, I'm not, you love yourself.

28:57 - Damaris (Host)

As you should. You should be number one Like absolutely.

29:01 - Nachi (Host)

But it's about learning. It's about learning from your experience, right? And it's like, don't jump. You know, like I mentioned earlier, how I would just go from one relationship to the next. I never gave myself time in between to really figure out, like, what did I learn from this relationship that I shouldn't carry on to the next relationship? Right? Because here I am, dragging extra baggage with each relationship, adding more baggages to, you know, to this thing called life, and entering a relationship with all those junk, instead of like, sitting back, taking a pause and learning from my experience, which is what I've taken now, and it's like life gives you that lesson right, because it's like you meeting, you're dating and you've finished this relationship and you date the next person.

29:56 - Yessie (Guest)

And I agree, because I've been through that too, and it's like the universe telling you listen? You're gonna learn this lesson.

30:04 - Damaris (Host)

You're meeting the same person in different bodies Buble. It's like what I saw in Natchi. It's like it becomes a Mack truck. You know the creator's gonna hit you with a Mack truck for you to get that point. So it's like little nudges you don't listen, you don't slap. You don't listen, you get punched. You still don't listen. All right, now I'm gonna knock you down for real. For real. Will you like what, man, I do?

30:27 - Maggie (Guest)

I want to, yeah, okay, yeah nice. And when the universe, when the universe is like you're?

30:33 - Nachi (Host)

gonna learn this yeah it's worth it. You're gonna learn it now.

30:38 - Yessie (Guest)

You're gonna learn it and I want to be like yeah.

30:41 - Maggie (Guest)

Yeah, when I was dating, just like Haydee, I was a pleaser because I wanted. I did not know how to date. I have friends that had so much fun dating because it was free and dating was so stressful because I'm like I need a boyfriend. I'm like I need a boyfriend, I don't know how to date, I don't know how, and it was, I hated it and I ended up attracting the same kind of guy like other like it was a mess, right, but because I just I wanted someone to give me that love that I didn't have and that I didn't have for myself.

31:21

So I was a pleaser, I did some stupid shit. I remember once I was at a friend's birthday party and there was a guy there and we, you know, we like have fun and everything. And then you know we were like texting. I'm like, hey, you know, do you want to come over? And I'm like, oh, full course, fucking me On the first date.

31:41 - Yessie (Guest)

I'm back, I'm back, I'm looking for a husband my friend, my friend.

31:48 - Maggie (Guest)

I'm never leaving this chick. My really good friend Was like you put a crazy date, so I'm like I don't know, I wanted to impress him. I'm looking back I'm like, oh my goodness, I did a lot of weird shit, she's like oh my God, she is so angry?

32:07 - Nachi (Host)

She loves me. She loves me. I backed her. I don't know who I'm with. Maggie, come on, you better cook for us.

32:18 - Yessie (Guest)

Maggie, don't Show us some love, maggie, oh my God, don't leave out and don't meet Haydee friends, because they want to know if you cook.

32:27 - Maggie (Guest)

I'm not going to cook. I don't know. I'm going to say how did Haydee say Do you know how to?

32:33 - Damaris (Host)

build a house.

32:36 - Maggie (Guest)

You don't. I've never cooked a day in my life.

32:39 - Yessie (Guest)

I have a list of things you can fix for me Boo Boo, no, that I've done those kinds of things too, maggie, that I just look at myself and I'm like, oh my God, did I really do that? It's about learning, right, but I know girls that never did shit like that and they knew how to put themselves first and it was like, how did you do that? But I guess it's what you experienced in life and how you turned those people pleasing?

33:06 - Nachi (Host)

I mean, the Marist and I were two different habits. We grew up in the same household, but the way she dated and the way I dated were very different. It was just like I didn't mind.

33:17 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, like not. She liked being in a relationship. And it's not that I didn't like being in a relationship. I did want a boyfriend. I just my bullshit meter was just too low, like I just didn't. I knew myself well enough to know that I can't. I wanted people. I wanted to give guys enough rope to see if they would hang themselves or actually do something like show them to be the right dude. I knew it. I'm like, let me just watch Right, I'm a slow person. So if you would do that, you want a lot Buddy.

33:53 - Nachi (Host)

You lucky about high five at the end of the night Like, yeah, and it's not that I'm trying to be extra.

33:57 - Damaris (Host)

I'm just like I need to get to know you. I don't like before we intimacy and I don't mean just sex, just like the level of closeness. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm mad awkward. I don't even know how to flirt. I feel like the 10-year-old boy. Like you know, I'm like me to the dude I don't know. Like it's weird. It's weird my husband's like. I thought you didn't like me. I'm like if I went out on a date with you and spent time with you, then I obviously liked you. Like my friends before going on dates, they would be like well, why don't you just be the sticky sweet demerits, not the regular sweet demerits? Because the sticky sweet demerits was the cordial for everybody else. You know that's what. But I'm like, ok, I'm gonna be sweet. I was like giving a hug at the end of the night.

34:44

But part of that is just like, and even still, I got hurt. I had my heart broken in my 20s like my first adult love, like I had a high school love, but my first adult love was in my 20s and I learned a lot from that relationship and that shit hurt. I was like oh my God, how could you not want to be with me for the rest of your life. I want to be with you and I just felt like I did things that I wouldn't normally have done. Like one thing that I had always been when it came to breaking up was that I was never friends with my ex-boyfriends because I just thought I was like first of all, I need you to pine for me for the rest of your life. How could you pine for me if we're still friends and you're dating? Like in my mind, I'm just like I need to think that, whether it's true or not, so people don't at me, don't say shit to me, I'm just saying that to operate right, like to get past me, you still want me right.

35:37

And so if you're friends, obviously you still don't want me because you've now seen other people, right? So with this one too, I was like that was my first love and I was like sure you know we could be friends. It was a disaster and I was like I'm never letting that shit happen again. You know, not so close to a breakup, right. Like you know, sure now, like who cares, whatever, but it just wasn't. And the thing is I knew that about myself and I still did it, because you do things sometimes and you have to learn. And it blew up. It was, you know, I was like OK, this ain't it, and but I learned a lot now into my relationships now and I was like I told her and my throat chakra was a lot, I communicated all the boundaries and all the questions. My husband now says that he wishes sometimes a hippie block.

36:38 - Yessie (Guest)

How do you block? It would be the first person asking how do you block some chakras?

36:44 - Nachi (Host)

My throat chakra is open.

36:48 - Damaris (Host)

You know, I mean yeah, so, but I just I will say for me, I'd love to hear about like you know how you guys got through heartbreaks too. But part of like that breakup was really hard for me and you know that kind of heartbreak. I was just like how am I going to get over this? But I remembered, like in the bathroom I literally prayed God, if this man isn't for me, then I need to be over this, I need to not feel this way anymore. And literally what I tell you like within two days, that nothing was inside anymore, but that level of heartbreak that I had gone. Thank you, jesus.

37:22

Ok, I accept that this person is no longer for me, because part of it was like I'm married to the idea of like oh, we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. So detaching myself from that was very hard. Like oh, my God, I can't believe this dream is not happening. But I asked for that clarity. If he ain't it, then let's move on. I'm OK with that, but I can't feel this way anymore. And it went away.

37:46 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah, yeah, we have to do that. I remember going through my first heartbreak oh my gosh, and that was like destruction to me, like I thought. I thought I was sick, like everything hurt my stomach, everything. And it was my daughter's father and I gave my all to that relationship. I thought that that was my all.

38:09

But you know, I was also very naive and, as you already know, people pleasing and I thought that I there was some gender roles I was playing, from my Dominican, you know world, that I thought that I had to follow through and that was not me. So I lost my identity through this whole relationship as well. And having a child at 23 years old and trying to navigate this break up was insane, like I don't even know. I just I even remember one time Like running to the door and like stopping him, he wanted to leave and I was like please, don't go, please, and I'm crying and pleading and I'm like I couldn't believe that I did something like that.

38:58

But that's how much I thought that I needed to be in that relationship and I was thinking the same thing, like why don't you want me? And I used everything and made it about like how I'm the failure, how I'm not enough and struggled a lot. So it took me a while, a lot of self healing and trying to figure out where these feelings stem from. And the more I connected like even with Yessie and my you know, maggie, and yoga and meditation, I figured out how to figure out where all of this was stemming from. And it yes, of course I was brokenhearted, but it was a lot to do. It was a lot to do with what I was facing, like on my own, you know. So, yeah, so a lot of self talk and books.

39:54 - Damaris (Host)

No, it's true, I mean part of it for me was like okay, realizing and accepting we're not each other's person. Yes, Okay, like, but you know, when you see that and the other person doesn't see it, you just say I don't, does not compute, you know what I mean. So I'm just like okay, I had to accept that and also, if, forcing me to reflect on, well, what is it that I really do want in a partner?

40:16 - Yessie (Guest)

And that was huge, and that was huge, asking those questions are so important. And look, I spent that whole time in these relationships, especially with my daughter's father, not asking those questions about what I truly, really wanted and looking back, we were not in the space to be even together at that moment. I'm surprised we lasted as long as we did because we were both facing challenges at that time.

40:44 - Nachi (Host)

But you're holding onto like a dream, right, Because that's it's like you have this idea in your head of what a relationship is supposed to be, and especially if you have, like children with someone. It's like you have, like, how can this world that we created be destroyed? It's like, what are you talking about? You start, you know, asking those questions like this is crazy. But I've dealt with a lot of heartbreaks but, like I told you before, the way I dealt with it was just kind of moving on to the next right.

41:20 - Damaris (Host)

So and I feel like you did the heartbreak and like, yeah, you dealt with a lot of heartbreaks, you dealt them out.

41:26 - Nachi (Host)

Like I said, I moved on to the next.

41:30 - Damaris (Host)

She's like this isn't working for me.

41:32 - Yessie (Guest)

Right. I'm like what is that? That's good to an extent, though, you know. At least she wasn't curled up in the bathroom crying Like what.

41:44 - Yessie (Guest)

Rocking herself.

41:47 - Nachi (Host)

That's the opportunity, but I was going to say that that's how I dealt with heartbreak, like, yes, my feelings were hurt, so guess what I dealt with? Breaking hearts. Yes, I'm crazy, just for you. I didn't break anyone's heart. My heart was broken. I have to move on to the next relationship.

42:17

Okay, thank you. I feel like kind of going back to learning from your experience, right, and taking that time, like you said, Haydee, doing activities that bring you joy, like yoga, meditating, being with you know, friends, family. I've always found that to be soothing for me, where, if I'm going through something that I can always touch base with DeMaris or one of my besties and it's just like, okay, I feel like I'm at home, you know, I'm feeling loved and sometimes she needs therapy.

43:02 - Damaris (Host)

I have to speak with me.

43:06 - Nachi (Host)

Sometimes she hikes me up, she'll heighten me up.

43:12

He's a buster, I'm a buster I'm a buster, but you know but also engaging in these different activities that bring you joy, and I would do that, I would do the same thing. It's just like being active, being out there and doing things, going back to, like you know, dating yourself, just doing the things that you love to do, that you enjoy, and I don't have to, you know, do things that they may like, as opposed to what I like, you know, it's just like it's just me and I'm just going to enjoy life right now and figure things out as we're doing this. So it's it's, it's different.

43:59 - Maggie (Guest)

I didn't jump from one relationship to the next, I feel like I've been with my husband. We've been together for 15 years, so if anything like let's say what's to happen, and he were to like break my heart, things will end. I will be sad, but I feel like I would deal with it differently from what I did in my 20s, which was similar to a Haydee. Listen to all these love songs and be like that's me, that song is about me and just crying.

44:32

Yo, I would be like I will like separate myself from people and I will walk the streets. I will go into the park and walk and cry, but it's because, and it's like, and it's because I, it's like this idea will. For me, it was like who's going to want me now, like this was supposed to work out like who's, and you know it's so sad, but that's where I was then and and I had my first like adult relationship was my, was like in my 20s, was like my biggest heartbreak and it took like two years for me to get over that and it was because, you know, this person was obviously not good for me. But I will let him come back into my life Because I'm like I'm, I'm going to change. I'm going to do all these wonderful things. You know I'm going to, you know, but, um, you know I do. I feel like if this something was to happen now, it'll be a lot more different. I am not going to go into the park crying, listening to music, wondering the park.

45:49 - Damaris (Host)

Now I feel you on that. I think you're so funny. You say that, maggie, because I feel the same way too, whereas I love my husband, but yeah, the way I dealt with a heartbreak in my 20s, I definitely would not do it, would it? Would it be the same? And part of it is just, like things that you know, part of the learnings of having gone through relationships to some degree. You know there's no way to avoid rejection and heartbreak. It's really just about how you deal with it. It's funny, you know, maggie, you mentioned you're like who else would want me? And I and I viewed it like how could you not want me? Like a level of rejection that is hard to take right, and so, and like I said, for me, what I did at that time was, you know, allow that boundary not to be respected, and I was like sure we could be friends. And then it was like it blew up in my face like I know it would, and, and that shifted for me.

46:53

You know, after that breakup it was like, okay, let me really think about how I want to approach my next relationships. What do I want to do differently? What are my expectations? Because I didn't like how I felt towards the end I wasn't happy and my happiness is paramount, right, like I've always loved myself a lot, but I did feel, I did feel like I lost some part of myself, because I felt like I wasn't probably my most authentic, because I'm trying to, you know, keep them around and and I'm like, no, that's not, that's not okay. And so, you know, one of the questions I know not she had brought up was around, especially when you think about heartbreak and rejection, how do you overcome that kind of anxiety, dating and moving forward?

47:44

And I say for me it was, as I continue to date into my 30s, it was really about lowering my expectations when it came to dating, not lowering my expectations with the men that I did it, but with what I expect it from a date or from that experience. It's like, look, let me not expect that this could be my future husband. How about, let me just accept that this is just a date, right, getting to know you, opportunity and and being present in the moment. You know, that is something that is also again for me. If I like where things are going, I'm like, all right, well, we see where we could, this can go, and it's just like, how about I enjoy this steak? You know, let me just enjoy this moment and see if there's a way and not put too much on this, why not?

48:39

No, I know the guys that I went on dates with another one like I thought you were the order of salad.

48:45 - Yessie (Guest)

Not me, not the one.

48:49 - Yessie (Guest)

She wants a ribeye.

48:52 - Nachi (Host)

Nice, thick one.

48:55 - Damaris (Host)

I'm not that girl. I actually enjoy food, but yeah, so you know how, how does your mind's mind shift when overcoming this heartbreak for you guys?

49:09 - Yessie (Guest)

So once again been together for a very long time. So I'm married to my high school super. But because we've been together for such a long time, it's like I said, we've been remarried Because there's a new Yessie, there's a new husband and new experiences and, yes, the heartbreak was there. I, that's one thing Like.

49:35

I think also people believe that we're dating, it's working out, we're going to get married and there's no heartbreak, is no pain, there's no rejection, and marriages is a combination of everything, of all of that right, Especially when you've been together for such a long time, and so the heart rate, how I deal with them when I was in my 20s compared to where I'm in my 30s or even my 40s, is completely different completely. And I think it's true. It's once you're already knowing your work. I think it's also once you realize what the relationship means to you and what you're looking for in that relationship and what you need from your partner. And then allowing them in my situation is like coming back and sometimes even redating, if that makes sense.

50:33 - Maggie (Guest)

Reconnecting again.

50:35 - Yessie (Guest)

You need to date me again, because this is not Yessie when she was 20. This is Yessie.

50:39 - Nachi (Host)

Okay, that's a new Yessie, come on then.

50:43 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah, and it is the same with him. Keep up, yeah, and so it's once again doing the work redating, sometimes, yes, being hurt, changing. So I think that all of that, whether you're dating or married, it is all about what you need to be very grounded of. What is it that you need for yourself?

51:09 - Yessie (Guest)

and what you need. Definitely don't deal with heartbreak the way I used to, not even a little bit Like I'm, like, I'm on this energy, that I say it over. It's like a, it's a mantra I don't chase, I fucking attract. Okay, I am like, I attract, I attract.

51:33 - Nachi (Host)

And if I see that the connections, that not there.

51:36 - Yessie (Guest)

The vibe that I'm talking and my energy is too much for you. You're not for me, you know, and that's with everything, with everyone around me, with my family. I started to build this for myself and I don't know how to get back from that. I am just like whoof, yeah, Haydee in the room, so love her, I leave her alone, yeah, and it took a long time to get there. So to get there and have someone disrupt that for me and fuck around with my flow after I've done so much work on myself, I don't think so, baby. So now dealing with even like any kind of rejection, and they're like, oh, you know, this is just not working out. I'm like, oh, best of luck, sweetheart, I hope you find what you're looking for moving on. And yes, I felt bad before, but I, I tell myself constantly it wasn't for me, if it was for me, it would be so, and I just try to follow that.

52:43 - Damaris (Host)

It would be difficult. Right Like, that's how you know, that's how I felt with my husband. It was just like when I met him and we started to date. It was just easy, it just flowed. We're like this is how it should be.

52:56 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah.

52:57 - Damaris (Host)

And it feels amazing.

52:58 - Nachi (Host)

You're almost like oh my God, something wrong, something's wrong. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop.

53:06 - Damaris (Host)

When, by our third date, when I tell you that my throat chakra was unblocked, I was like listen, so you want to? Are you interested in marriage and kids? He's like yeah. I was like okay, cool, so we're eating up for, like I was like.

53:20

That's all I want to know, like, because if you say no, then okay, this ain't gonna work, because I know eventually I want to get married. I'm not saying I want to marry you or I want to have your kids, I just want to know, are you with that? If you're not cool, like I was really okay with if he said no, and like yo, this chick, she's too extra, she's asking me on my third date, I'm like, if you, if you sweating by these questions on date three, you ain't for me. Like, come on, we too old for this shit. Yeah, we too old. Right, right, he took it on and she was like, yeah, okay, and I knew he'd probably like she'd have won, yeah.

53:54 - Yessie (Guest)

He was like damn, I've been looking for her all my life. He's like no.

54:02 - Damaris (Host)

It was not. She knows, my throat chakra was unblocked. I was like, let me, I don't care anymore. I'm not afraid to ask the questions, I'm not afraid of the answers.

54:14 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah, yeah, working at them chakras be amazing, it's crazy, oh my gosh, fantastic, yes.

54:21 - Damaris (Host)

That's why we got a podcast now.

54:24 - Maggie (Guest)

Yes, we got a podcast now.

54:25 - Yessie (Guest)

We got a podcast. Now we got a podcast.

54:26 - Nachi (Host)

now we got a podcast. Now we got a podcast.

54:28 - Yessie (Guest)

now we got a podcast now I'm just letting it all out. Just letting it all out, I'm gonna see people commenting like so how did you unblock your throat chakra?

54:36 - Damaris (Host)

I say whatever the fuck I wanted to say Unapologetically. It's all your intuition, man. If it doesn't feel right, it's cause it's not right, and I knew when things didn't feel right and I was just like, well, maybe no.

54:53 - Yessie (Guest)

Yes, Justifying something that is not working right. Yes, yeah.

54:58 - Nachi (Host)

It's like it's setting those realistic expectations for yourself and I think the marriage you had said this also where. Don't go in there just expecting that. This is you know, this is going to be the man that you're gonna marry. You're just meeting this person. Enjoy that moment. Enjoy, you know, the conversation. Enjoy the meal, enjoy the show.

55:23

Whatever it is that you're doing, just enjoy that moment, yeah, and set those realistic expectations of where that's going. If there's a second date, all right, it went well, let's move on. But it's just not creating this imaginary life in your head that the other person doesn't share with you. We're not there, like what's going on, and then you get upset.

55:52 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, because you're gonna step 10. You already engaged in your head because you're like oh, he checks off these boxes and it's like yo, chill, slow down, like just that.

56:01 - Yessie (Guest)

who knows if you actually like were present, right, and you're paying attention to this guy, If you actually even like him but you're spending so much time, probably thinking about whether he likes you and whether it's happening or just he wanna get married that you're losing sight of this whole entire experience.

56:24 - Nachi (Host)

So, or even trying to like meet his expectations. Right, it's like I don't need to meet your expectations. I'm either what you expected or not. I'm not going to walk over to your expectations. No, this is who. I am and you're right, exactly, and that's okay. Right, it is okay, because everybody's not gonna be for you and you're not gonna be for everyone, so it's all good.

56:54 - Damaris (Host)

That's what I learned from my past relationships. I mean, I and I also became very when it came to my husband. I was very clear on what I expected too from a partner. I learned from that heartbreak in my twenties that, okay, I expect look, of course you know someone loving me. That's table stakes. But I expect adoration and loyalty. The adoration part really comes from the way we were raised, like I realized that I didn't have that in that relationship in my twenties and I was like, oh, I missed that because that is what I had growing up. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, you need to adore me. And if you don't know what adoring someone is, then I'm not here to just define that for you. Like, you go to therapy or something, figure it out, I don't know. But to adore someone is just a different. It's a type of love, it's a way to show your love, right. And the second thing is loyalty. And loyalty I don't mean, oh, he's not gonna cheat on me, no, that's again, that's a prerequisite right.

58:00

That's not for you. That's not a prerequisite for you. Well then, maybe therapy, I don't know. But what I'm saying is that when I say loyalty, I mean if I'm not in a room, I need to know that you're defending me. If someone questions my integrity, Are you there for me too? Do you have my back, that support?

58:16

Because that was something that I saw yes, my parents had that. Like my father did not accept any disrespect to my mother, Like when it even came to family members. If he felt that you disrespect her any kind of way, that's it, you're cut. And I'm like that is what the fuck I'm talking about. So if I don't have that from you, then no, but I had to learn that right, that I felt that I realized I didn't get that in that particular relationship and that's why it didn't work out.

58:46 - Yessie (Guest)

That's why you struggled, yeah.

58:48 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, I'm not getting the same kind of loyalty that I'm giving to you Like wait, pause. No, it doesn't work that way. You need to give that to me. And I realized, no, loyalty is a big deal for me. Maybe for some people it's not. I'm not saying that it needs to be for a successful relationship, but for me I need to know that you got my back, like we, in this together.

59:09 - Yessie (Guest)

That's what I was saying, like what is it that you need from your partner, right, yeah, and it should be more than just I just want him to love me, I think there's just so much more than that Right right, right.

59:23 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah, people use those words very loosely and don't stand behind the action that comes with that.

59:30 - Nachi (Host)

You know, it's just like I love you, I miss you.

59:34 - Yessie (Guest)

I don't fucking feel that.

59:35 - Nachi (Host)

Okay, I need this partnership and I'm not feeling that. This partnership, I'm feeling it, I'm sorry.

59:44 - Maggie (Guest)

Like I've been with my husband for 15 years I'm not gonna say it's been like a walk in the park all 15 years, because that's a lot of years to be with someone and you know people grow, people change, you go to different things. You know we have a son now. So, like you know, our life has changed. But I must say that one thing about my husband is that loyalty to a fault Like my husband will defend me and will cut people off, like maybe like a little too much like chill, okay yeah.

01:00:19 - Yessie (Guest)

Like I still wanna be her friend.

01:00:23 - Maggie (Guest)

That's one thing and another thing that I love about my husband and it's that you know and I don't think I tell him this enough is that my husband is the only man that has seen every single part of me, the good, the bad, the ugly, the like, weird shit that and he loves every single one of them.

01:00:47

You know, and I think that that's really important for me, it's like you love. I can show you all my size and you're gonna love them and you're not gonna. You know you're gonna embrace it also, so you know it's just you should.

01:01:05 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah, the way you embrace it here embraces that. That's beautiful, that's partnership.

01:01:09 - Damaris (Host)

I love that. Yeah, I'll say. The other thing for me too, was that I learned to unromanticize the love.

01:01:17 - Maggie (Guest)

Right.

01:01:17 - Damaris (Host)

Like I am with my husband.

01:01:20 - Yessie (Guest)

So what do you mean by unromanticize?

01:01:23 - Yessie (Guest)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:27 - Damaris (Host)

And I love what I hear people say. You know, I want that unconditional love, blah, blah, blah. And I just heard me say this there's no such thing as unconditional love with a romantic partner. Now I'll tell you this Unconditional love can exist with where I felt it was, with my mother and my father. I know I could literally choose to be like I don't like you people, I hate you. Those people will still love me Like. I know this with every fiber of my being. I, if I'm with my husband and he's like disrespecting me, he's like I don't love you, girl, I'm not gonna keep loving you. Unconditional love says I need to keep loving you. And I'm like I don't think people understand when they say you want unconditional love. Number one if you love me unconditionally and I treat you like shit, you got a problem. It might be a psychopath, you might be a little too obsessed with me. I don't want that kind of love.

01:02:25 - Yessie (Guest)

There's something wrong.

01:02:26 - Damaris (Host)

I don't want that kind of love, so I had some kind of crazy love before.

01:02:31

Okay, yeah, yeah. And so I'm just saying every day in my marriage I choose him and I choose to love him, like that is a choice. That's not this old romantic Like, oh my God, we fell in love and we were head over heels. No, it was a love that grew and something that's like. It's like this is my partner in life and he's, he rides with me in the same way I ride for him. But this isn't like, oh my gosh, well, we're just so like stars in my eyes and hearts in my eyes, like no, I choose to love you every day, and that's the way it should be.

01:03:03 - Yessie (Guest)

Actually, you know, choosing to love the person every single day. It's hard, yes, it is hard, it's not easy. Yes, yeah, so that's a choice.

01:03:15 - Damaris (Host)

But that's why it's like. But it also takes effort. It takes effort and I don't ever say marriage is hard For me personally, I don't say marriage is hard. I just say it takes effort, it takes work. So if you're unwilling to do that, then marriage may not be for you and that's okay. But it doesn't have to be hard. Just don't think it doesn't require work. That's all you know.

01:03:36 - Maggie (Guest)

I agree with you a thousand percent about unconditional love, and I say it I love my husband to pieces, but I'm like. The only person that I love unconditionally is my five year old son. That's it. That is the only one. That is the only person that I, that's the only person I'll give my life for. That's the only person I will go to jail for. I think nobody else.

01:04:09 - Damaris (Host)

So yeah, Facts and so, yeah, like I just I could appreciate you know everyone's thoughts on this and just like kind of like what you've learned in your relationship, because I find it fascinating and I think it's also just it's not so clear cut and it is different for everyone. You know, everyone has a different experience.

01:04:28 - Maggie (Guest)

Mm-hmm.

01:04:31 - Damaris (Host)

And I do, you know it's. We've we've had a great conversation. There's so many facets to dating and relationships and we're all in different places, but I mean, I think kind of like the common thread is well, work on yourself, right, because a lot of things I feel fall into place the minute you can, the minute you do the work to learn yourself, to be introspective, to learn about what it is you're really looking for in the relationship, what it is you want and what your boundaries are in that. Yeah, but ladies, I you know, I want to thank you and I definitely want to give you an opportunity to again shout out your podcast and where people can find you guys on all the platforms and whatnot.

01:05:20 - Yessie (Guest)

They can find us at Notodo Secura Convex on IG, tiktok, facebook and YouTube yes, so shout us out, check us out. Thank you so much, ladies, for your time. This was great.

01:05:36 - Damaris (Host)

Yes, no, and we thank you. We thank you so much for sharing your experience with us and, again, your time. This was a fantastic conversation and I'm looking forward to doing this again. And thank our listeners for being a part of this discussion and please feel free to comment on IG or send us a note on our website to let us know what it is you want to hear more about and what your thoughts are on this conversation, because I feel like it's an evolution right.

01:06:05

Yeah, so thank you for listening. Thank you, bye. Bye. So, that said, don't forget to subscribe to our channel and follow us on Instagram, tiktok and Twitter at I'mnotyelling underscore. Thank you so much for listening and we look forward to talking next time. Bye.