Back to blog

Flourishing Beyond Tradition: Breaking Cycles and Generational Curses Episode Transcript

00:00 - Nachi (Host)

find yourself in the same type of relationships or situations and you keep telling yourself I don't know why I keep being in this. You know, in this type of situation, people are crazy. No, you crazy, check yourself. Welcome to another episode of I'm Not Yelling, I'm Dominican podcast hosted by Nachi and Damaris.

00:35 - Damaris (Host)

Hey fam, it's your girl, nachi, and I'm here with Damaris, highly favorite child of the most high Praise God.

00:41 - Nachi (Host)

Praise God, all right. So on this episode we're going to talk about breaking cycles. I know that we hear this a lot, especially when we're talking about toxic traits or things that we didn't learn and want to start doing with our own generation. And sometimes people go around and they think about that's just the way things are, or this is who we are, this is our culture, this is how we raise our children. We've never learned how to manage our money. So we're going to take this time to kind of talk about some of these unhealthy cycles and how to identify them so that we can release these traits and start new cycles. You know, it's not so much about breaking the cycles but really starting new ones, right? Because you don't want to add that stress of oh, I got to break this cycle for my generation and generations.

01:46

Right, it's a huge burden.

01:47 - Damaris (Host)

It feels like it's a huge burden.

01:49 - Nachi (Host)

It is, it is, it is. So maybe thinking about it like it's starting new cycles for yourself and generations to come. So we're going to have Damaris kick this off.

02:00 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, I'd like just to piggyback off of what you just said. I like to think of this as look, I'm out of the survive era. Like I'm no longer surviving. I actually I never felt like I was surviving, but I'm thriving. My ancestors got me here, today, because to thrive, not to be surviving. So that is how I'm just going to continue moving forward and live my life, and this is what I want our listeners to feel like too that we are in a space of thriving, no longer surviving Absolutely.

02:37

And hopefully you never felt like you were just trying, you were just surviving. Situations are different for everyone, but it is also a mindset shift and we need to be open to shifting that paradigm for us.

02:53 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, and even if you were surviving at one point, know that your goal is to thrive eventually, not to oh. Your whole lifetime is around surviving what's going on around you. So I totally agree with what you're saying.

03:11 - Damaris (Host)

I like to think about when identifying unhealthy cycles in your lives. I think of it, as for me, as the unofficial definition of insanity, meaning you're repeating the same actions and expecting a different result. And when, if I'm doing the same thing and I and I want something else and I'm expecting a different result, but my actions haven't changed, then it's on me, right Like. This is me and this is about accountability, and so I have to ask myself the questions about what motivated the decision that I made, and truly being honest with myself, in order to identify what it is that I'm doing that's not benefiting me, that's not. You know that. That no longer serves me, and that really is about holding myself accountable for what I decide, for what I do. There's none of that like, okay, well, it was so-and-so's fault that this relationship didn't work out, or, you know, they just didn't like me, they were racist or something.

04:33

I'm just saying that, like I'm not saying that that's not true in every case but at what point do you hold yourself accountable for whatever results you have in your life, and how much of that do you, how much of the external things you let impact you?

04:47 - Nachi (Host)

and so that's, for me, is how I identify unhealthy cycles in my life yeah, it's funny because I had I jotted down here um, you know, you seem to be in the same type of predicament over and over again, sort of like Groundhog Day.

05:06 - Damaris (Host)

Oh my God, we're saying the same thing, yes.

05:09 - Nachi (Host)

You wake up and you're doing the same thing and you go to sleep and it's just. You know you're repeating the same cycle day in and day out, and that's how I look at at situations. If you find yourself in the same type of relationships or situations and you keep telling yourself, I don't know why I keep being in this, you know, in this type of situation, people are crazy. No, you're crazy. Check yourself, just okay. It's really about you know, like you said, taking accountability and recognizing your part in certain situations. And I also think, too, is just like really checking your energy right. Yes, because your energy is going to dictate how, everything, what happens around you. And to me, if you find yourself in a low energy vibe type of place, know that things aren't going to always be on the up and up like things are always going to happen. So you got to check yourself in terms of why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel low all the time? Or why do I feel like I'm in this? You know I'm not doing well at work, or I just don't like my job, or I don't like, you know, the people that I'm around, or my housing situation is all fucked up, or, you know, my relationship with my partner or even family.

06:51

It's, I think, just going with what you were saying. It's just about taking inventory of yourself and kind of checking yourself and seeing where you are and why you are in that place, of checking yourself and seeing where you are and why you are in that place. Because once you start to kind of dig through that, you'll start to realize, okay, I can release some of these things because I don't have to behave in this way. I don't have to deal with this situation as I've always done, because it didn't work before. It didn't work for, you know, for the people that I'm constantly around that does the same thing, or the family that you know, that you know, continue to, um, deal with situations in the same manner. You just got to look at it in that way and see, okay, how can I do things differently, and so that's just something else that you want to think about.

07:42 - Damaris (Host)

It's just what's your energetic level in terms of the situation you're in, things that you need to change, those cycles you need to break. It does manifest itself in your life, like don't believe for one second that you not healing. Your trauma is not going to manifest and rear its head in different ways in your life. If you don't address that, it'll just become a. It'll just become a problem in some, whether you start seeing it in your body, physically carrying that kind of emotional burden or things tangibly not working out in your life, like there are things happening.

08:39

And so when I think about unhealed trauma for me in my life, when I, when I recognize that something that I've not addressed something in my life, it's typically it'll show up. When I seek validation outside of myself, that is that's how it shows up for me. And part of that is like when I allow other people's opinions to dictate my choices, whether it's from my parents, other family members, friends, coworkers, all of that Like I then that's how it shows up in my life. I know for other people, you know, it's different, but for me that's when I recognize oh wait a minute, why am I allowing this? Why do I care what these people think?

09:27 - Nachi (Host)

I mean, that could put you in a state of confusion when you're having to seek validation from so many different people. Yeah, yeah, absolutely that. That right there will drive you crazy. And I think also to just living your life unconsciously. I think about how sometimes we live in autopilot right, where it's just like you're doing. You automatically are doing things because it's You're supposed to right.

09:57

Right, you're supposed to, and an example of this is just maybe how, when I think about your relationship with with children, you know, with your own children you think about when you I know, when I'm an autopilot I revert to way to the way things were handled with me, with my children.

10:20 - Damaris (Host)

So, like when you were a kid, you're saying the way you were raised, yeah right, right.

10:25 - Nachi (Host)

The way I was raised is how it manifests with dealing with my own children Because of I'm in autopilot. So if I'm not, if I'm not aware of what I'm doing and I'm just kind of doing, I'm going and I'm operating in that autopilot phase, I'm going to go to what I know, or what I'm used to or what I've learned, you know, because it's easier.

10:57 - Damaris (Host)

It's quick.

10:58 - Nachi (Host)

I get in and out, right, it's almost like you get in and out of it, but you lose. Some of you know you lose certain things when you do that. When you're an autopilot, you don't recognize how you treat someone else, you don't recognize how you may come across, you don't recognize how you probably manage a certain situation because you're just operating from a place of you know. This is how it's always been done, this is what I know, so I need to get this done and this is what it is.

11:31 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, you're perpetuating a cycle right, because you're not being conscious, you're not consciously doing these things. So then you're not mindful or present in that moment of. Would you really do this if you were present in that moment? Would you really make that decision? Would you really do this if you were present in that moment?

11:45

Would, you really make that decision? Would you really talk to your kid that way? Would you really say this or or do take this action, Maybe, maybe not, but it's. But it would then be your choice and not something that you learned or because this is the way we've always done it, Right.

12:03 - Nachi (Host)

And that's why you know, for me, when it comes with my children, I always take that approach of okay. When I recognize that I've done something wrong or I said something wrong or I was, you know my, my attitude was off I always take that opportunity to talk to my children and apologize. And and that's something that I never got your parents always apologize. I never got. Plenty Let me stop, they were fantastic, but I mean, come on?

12:32 - Damaris (Host)

every parent should.

12:33 - Nachi (Host)

Let me roll. Every parent should apologize to their kid period, point blank.

12:38 - Damaris (Host)

They're thinking nobody's perfect.

12:39 - Nachi (Host)

Because? No, because we're humans, and this is what I tell my children all the time. I'm human, so I'm going to fuck up sometimes and I apologize.

12:49 - Damaris (Host)

But it's also good that you remind them of that, that you're human.

12:54 - Nachi (Host)

It's important for me because as a parent, you know, as a child, I didn't recognize that in my own parents Right, my own parents. But as a mother, I recognized that my parents were human and they were doing the best that they could with what they had.

13:15 - Damaris (Host)

so, yes, I mean, I get it. This is why I accept their non-apologies right now, because I recognize that they're human and they make mistakes, even though they were like fantastic parents. Yes, watch your mouth, anybody that tried to talk about my parents.

13:33 - Nachi (Host)

Right.

13:34 - Damaris (Host)

No, my parents were fantastic, but I mean they were human. Yeah, they made mistakes.

13:37 - Nachi (Host)

Right. So they made mistakes, you know. And the same thing here, like I don't want that image of me being a superhero or a super mom. I don't want that place because I'm not superhuman. Yeah, I'm not superhuman. So, yes, I'm gonna make mistakes and I want my children to understand that as a human being, I do make mistakes, but as I make mistakes, I'm gonna own up to it, and that is something that I try to teach them. And so, again, just kind of going back to avoiding living unconsciously and being more aware of your day-to-day and your interactions with other people and just, you know, with how you deal with your situations, because sometimes you know, life happens and I get it.

14:29 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, yeah that's. But that's important, because this is how you pass it down generations, and it is purely by the examples that you set and you share with your kids. Look, I'm human, just like you. I make mistakes too.

14:51

But, also you taking accountability and apologizing when appropriate. But also you taking accountability and apologizing when appropriate and the same way I think about like yeah, as I'm, even though I don't have children, but my niece and my nephew, they're like my kids and my extended family I'm still being watched, so I it's an example that I set forward the way I live.

15:17

They see the cycles that I try to break. They get to witness that firsthand and decide as they get older like oh, I remember when Titi did this, why she did that Right and how fantastic she looked. What a great life, she lived. I want to be just like Titi. I want to be just like Titi.

15:38 - Nachi (Host)

I want to be just like her. That's what I want. That's what I'm going to leave behind.

15:41 - Damaris (Host)

I'm happy about that.

15:43 - Nachi (Host)

And I was just going to say this is why I like the whole idea of starting new cycles, because I don't think I've completely broken any cycles, Because again, are you?

15:55 - Damaris (Host)

kidding me Nachi.

15:57 - Nachi (Host)

Sometimes the way you are with your kids you're smoking something. I feel that way are you kidding me the way you raise your kids?

16:06 - Damaris (Host)

like it's so beautiful to see because you're learning along the way and I love it and you're, you're vulnerable and you're honest about it and you're you're like that with your kids and, yes, you get in their ass Like our parents would have gotten in our ass. But it's also different where you scale back, where you feel like you need to.

16:28

And that's a beautiful thing, because we didn't have that luxury with our parents. We didn't have that kind of yeah, we were on a very tight leash Also, and I get it because we were being raised in new york city when it wasn't so nice, and it's no.

16:43

But not cheap compared to how we grew up. I mean, kids were getting pistol whipped on the train like it's out for a chain. I'm like this is where I live, god bless, right. So I get also why we were raised the way we were raised. But, girl, give yourself grace, you are doing a phenomenal job.

17:04

Well, thank you, sister, I try, yes, and I think about so. I feel like every generation at some level. Well, for some lineagesages I know our lineage, we I've seen cycles broken. Your father is a perfect. You're actually your father and your mother. Meaning our father and our mother, I say like, like men are my peoples like we have yeah, we have separate parents but poppy was an example of. He was a person that followed the beat of his own drum. He did things that many typical immigrant Dominicans would not have done.

17:46

Period point blank and he did not care what you thought, what you had to say, and people love that about him. You thought what you had to say and people love that about him, and they just embraced him and his uniqueness, regardless of whether or not they aligned with his opinions or how he thought. They loved him because he was who he was and he was 10 toes down.

18:11 - Nachi (Host)

Right and when he passed away.

18:14 - Damaris (Host)

So many people came up to us and continue to say one thing I remember about your father is that he lived his life his way, and I'm like so that was an example to me of where we are right now. That has influenced me so much. Right now, how I'm living is because of Bobby's attitude. How I'm living is because of Bobby's attitude, and so there are things that I've had to break relationships, do things that many wouldn't do, and I just don't care because it works for me and I love it and I love it for myself. And I'm doing this because this is how my father lived his life and that's an example that I got to see and I'm just like okay, let me incorporate this in my life.

19:00

And your mother real talk. She was all of her sisters and family members when they first came to this country. They got jobs immediately, but they worked in factories. Your mother said I'm going to work in an office because I don't want to work in a factory, right, right. So she did some technical training I'm not technical training, but, like you know, one of those specialty schools became a bookkeeper and worked at an office job to retirement and the way she raised us, even though we grew up in a very traditional Latino household.

19:39

She always emphasized education for us and really being independent in that way and never forcing us to learn how to cook early in life. I love that cook early in life Like I love that for my like, for me, I love that she never really required us to do any of that and I'm so and I was happy about that because I'm like that's not my thing, you know, like I like doing different things, I like building stuff, I'm curious and cooking, ain't it? You know, in our culture and what I've seen our our peers, they were making rice and beans at 12. I'm like, good for you, good on you. Well, your mother tried to make me that she tried with you one time.

20:24

She was hoping that you could just help her out a little bit and you destroyed beans and the house stunk.

20:30 - Nachi (Host)

We don't got the time to go into that story. She just had me prepare the meats and stuff so I wasn't full on cooking, but I did help prepare stuff so that it's ready where she got home.

20:43 - Damaris (Host)

Congratulations. Thank you, damaris, you're a real Dominican. Thank you, fuck out of here. Sorry for you.

20:53 - Nachi (Host)

You should be, I'm not.

20:54 - Damaris (Host)

That's why I picked up extracurricular activities, so that we're getting home at the same time, mommy. Okay, next anyway. But those are examples. So it's important that I bring all that up, just so that you know. I know some people may think like well, I don't know how I would break this in my generation. And the thing is, you are a living example for anyone around you, whether they're your family, friends. They see that. The kids see that they will take that on. And again, when I think about Poppy's influence on other people's lives, when he passed away, so many people came up to us and said your father, the you know what he did for me, really helped me in X, y, z part of my life, like. So, even though you may not know presently, you are probably impacting more people than you know, and the more you're authentic to yourself and aligned with what it is you should be doing.

21:54

It comes through and people will see that.

21:57 - Nachi (Host)

And so.

21:58 - Damaris (Host)

I'd like to get into, especially for us and for our culture. What are some of those generational curses and traumas we need to heal from? And I'll start with this idea, especially with Dominicans, on this need to not be lazy, that there's always chores or errands to be done, Siempre hay oficio and it's exhausting. Dominicans don't like to sit down I'll say Dominican women and they think that if you're sitting down.

22:33

If you're resting for like five minutes, you're lazy, I'm assuming this has to do like with some colonial shit and, like you know, some slavery mindset of like if, if you're resting for one second, you're, you're lazy. I don't know like this is because this is ridiculous no, it's true, I don.

22:53 - Nachi (Host)

I don't like to rest, even to this day. I don't like to rest around your mother because the guilt I'm always feeling, like she think I need to be doing something and although she thinks I do too much, which is kind of funny so she tries to do things and I don't need her to do anything, but she feels like she has to.

23:14 - Damaris (Host)

She doesn't know how to rest.

23:16 - Nachi (Host)

She doesn't know how to rest. She doesn't.

23:17 - Damaris (Host)

And, as your father would say, he's like you're nervous, chill out.

23:24 - Nachi (Host)

For no reason.

23:25 - Damaris (Host)

Be still.

23:26 - Nachi (Host)

Yes, right, relax, relax. You don't need to Just sit down for a second and for her she's like no, everything has to be done before I can sit down. Crazy talk.

23:39 - Damaris (Host)

The other thing is and I think you can speak to this but first born responsibilities. What was that? Like Nachi.

23:49 - Nachi (Host)

Oh boy, I want to say, although we're what? Three years apart, I felt like I didn't get. You know and I always talk about this, that you know, whenever we used to play when we were younger, I was the one that would get in trouble. If you know, something happened. I was the one that was getting in trouble, right, that was Aunt Flasiko's fault. It was both of your faults. You're playing yourself. No, I'm not. I'm not. But I say this because they look to older, to the oldest, as you should know better, and I'm like well, how, how should I know better? I'm a child like the rest of them, so why is it that I should know better when we're just having fun here? And so I feel like they always place more responsibilities, no matter the age gap. They place more responsibilities for firstborn because they look to the firstborns as you're our little helper, you're the mini adult for us, so you gotta make sure that you take care of the younger ones, whether they're a year, two, three or however many years apart.

25:08 - Damaris (Host)

I need to play some violins. I need to play some violins.

25:11 - Nachi (Host)

Play the violin. Yes, play the whole orchestra.

25:18 - Damaris (Host)

She's releasing guys. Orchestra she's releasing guys. She's releasing release nachi release.

25:21 - Nachi (Host)

Yes, yes, get it out. So I try, like when my kids I have, and I see it sometimes in myself when I, when I do it my own something, and I have to check myself because I was like, oh, come on, nachi, and my kids are have a closer gap than you, and I did so, the fact that I would even even suggest, you know, I, I, you know, I've had to check myself but again I realized like, oh, I get it. You know they did need help, but again, we're you, they're children. You can't expect the oldest of the children to be your little mini adult.

26:02

You got to grow up sometimes yes, when it's time, when it's time to grow up Responsibilities build character.

26:11 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, well, that is true, but you know it's unnecessary okay, fair enough it's not needed no, no, I'm glad you got it out of your system. Oh, wow, okay, thank you, sis no, no, because it seems like it was heavy and um no, it wasn't heavy.

26:32 - Nachi (Host)

I just wanted to point that out, that that's what happens when you're the oldest.

26:37 - Damaris (Host)

No, it's true, I mean, I don't know what that's like, I'm just the youngest and it's a fantastic position to be in in a family the baby the baby which is and I know this because your mother talks about her childhood all the time she's the baby of her, of her clan, she always says, always says they always love me Everybody love me, no she she ain't that nice, yeah, no, no, she, she's heavy on the on the baby.

27:05

Everyone loves me, everyone wanted to be with me. Sounds like you're hating on your mom, but uh. But this also carries into the first-gen kid responsibilities. Now, as first-generation kids, I'll say, compared to some of our peers, we didn't have it in the same way where we were like assistants to our parents. I think our parents were given their jobs. They had a pretty good grasp of the English language, so they they spoke English well, and I mean with an accent, but you know pretty well in my opinion, and so I don't think they they didn't rely on us as much as I know, like some of our older cousins and other people that that we know as friends growing up who've had to step in and do more translating for their parents and and really take on responsibilities of like you know, build management.

28:15

You know, on behalf of their parents, because they're going to school they're speaking English primarily, you know they're they're bilingual children and so they're able to communicate and translate as much as they can within their capacity as a kid. And and that is our friends at the no Todo Se Cura Con Vicks podcast, they had a great episode recently about that growing up as a first gen kid and being that assistant and you know that going through that stuff, yeah, yeah, and that has to be really difficult, because can you imagine you're this young child having to translate some medical information, or trying to translate right what the doctor's telling your mom, or financial.

29:05 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, so some financial information. It's confusing to you as a child and now you have to try to translate this so that your parent can understand or your aunt or your uncle can understand what they're trying to say, and it's it's hard, but it was necessary for a lot of people.

29:25 - Damaris (Host)

First gen kids in general, they, they, they do it for the love of their parents, for the love of their family, because of what they've sacrificed to be in this country, to be in this kind of environment. So we're a team like that. That's how families are Like. We will make this happen. I think for us, we were just left to be more independent, right Like.

29:46

I think about the biggest thing for me was when we were applying to colleges and applying for financial aid it was doing that on my own because mommy and Bobby they don't know like financial aid, I don't know they went to different. Bobby had a scholarship, was in Germany. You know our mom. She went to a specialty school and I'm sure, paid out of pocket. So it was all very new for all of us and so we had to take on kind of things where I just I, when I look at other parents and or other guardians and they help their kids out with the FAFSA form, I'm like, oh, that's yes, good, yes, I'm like you don't know how good you have it that you have that kind of guidance and, and the thing is, we had older cousins that were able to help us and it's just, it's not this, it's not like that for many families.

30:42 - Nachi (Host)

you know where you have older cousins who have already gone to college or know the process that can come to the younger ones to be like, okay, that's what you got to do, you know, so you can get ready. So, yeah, that's. It's a lot of first times for a lot of people. I think, yeah, I think about my own children when I'm looking into different opportunities for them, just overall, not even so much about college, but just like programs. Oh, yeah, right, they don't understand the opportunity that they have because it's like my parents weren't?

31:19

they didn't know what programs were out there for me to participate in and and take advantage of. I was like I'm here doing this all for you so you can have a leg up. You should be appreciated. They don't even see you. I know no, maybe going over their head they so.

31:36 - Damaris (Host)

I didn't ask for it, I'm like what if I'm backhand, but just kidding, we don't hit here. Yeah, that was one of those things that stuck with me when I think about kind of what we had to do, what some of those things that we quasi have to heal from right Because it's like those are things that we quasi have to heal from right Because it's like those are things that we shouldn't have done on our own. But it was. It is what it is and I'm not. I'm not mad about it. It's just interesting when I see other people or hear about other people's experiences, like my husband, he, his mom, she got all the scholarships for him. Like she filled out, she did the research, yeah, and I was just like what he's like? Yeah, he said half of my tuition was paid by scholarships because she did all of that legwork and I was like and we didn't have the interwebs like we have now.

32:31

So I'm like that's library, that's research Like there's no. Oh, I, that's research like there's no. Yeah, oh, I'm going on to ww dubs? No, just letting you know the age we're at, like that wasn't happening, right. The dubs was a thing when, as we were going into college, it was like oh, this thing called email.

32:57 - Nachi (Host)

I can email my friends. I can send messages. Yes, I can send messages.

33:02 - Damaris (Host)

But then the next thing I'd like to think I think about especially, oh my God, in Latino households is this how different genders are treated and raised. Oh my gosh, this is like enraging to me, but this is such a thing, and I think it is. It's a caribbean thing too. I'm gonna say it's a caribbean thing because I've seen it with my friends from other caribbean backgrounds.

33:26

Boys are coddled and they're like they're allowed to do whatever the fuck they want, and the girls are raised to run the domestic side of the home, boys can stay out late. They just have a different set of rules and had fewer restrictions, and it's just. It was exhausting to be a witness to it. I think we we were our bro, our brother is significantly older than us and so he only lived with us for a few years and but I could already see, even though he was significantly older, so he of course just had fewer rules than we did. The approach yeah, the approach to him I could just see how it was different by the time I reached his age and what I remembered my brother doing.

34:10 - Nachi (Host)

I saw it different immediately, because let me tell you how I wrote wrote a whole letter, oh.

34:18 - Damaris (Host)

Lord To your parents. They're like. I love it.

34:22 - Nachi (Host)

I wasn't writing it to them. I wasn't writing it to them.

34:25 - Damaris (Host)

Oh, my goodness, you were all journaling, you were journaling.

34:29 - Nachi (Host)

Yes, I was so frustrated because I was like how he going to come here and he don't wash no dishes, he don't put nothing away, like that's crazy, right? So I wrote this all down on a piece of paper and of course you know, back then mama used to clean our room. So she cleaned our room. She found this little letter that I wrote. But let me tell you how messed up your mother is. She don't bring it up to me when she finds it. She decides to bring this up when we on our way somewhere and it was me, her and Franny we walking and she was like, oh, you know what I found?

35:15 - Damaris (Host)

the other day oh, shots fired. She said, let me tell you about she's not even talking to me.

35:21 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, she's not talking to me, she's talking to him like she wrote this letter how I don't let you do any of the dishes and I don't let you put away stuff, or, and I'm here like, oh shit, you're like, the jig is up.

35:39

They found out she found my letter, she found my letter, and they both keep keying it like she's so stupid your mother would never call you stupid, but that's how you felt no, but that's how I took it, because I was like, instead of just like coming to me and explaining whatever the situation was like, wow, instead of just like coming to me and explaining whatever the situation was like nah, fuck you, he don't need to wash, you need to learn how to wash dishes and clean up the kitchen.

36:09

And all that because kids were meant to be seen and not heard, so she's like I don't want to hear about your letter right how you feeling some kind of way that your brother ain't partaking in any of the chores and just so people know he's like a solid.

36:23 - Damaris (Host)

he's like a solid 12 years older than me, so he's like nine older than you he's eight.

36:28 - Nachi (Host)

He's eight, okay, so then he would be 11.

36:32 - Damaris (Host)

But so so just think about he's like 17 and we're like nine. Yes, yes, yeah, but nobody want to hear that, though I get it.

36:43 - Nachi (Host)

Look, this is a very Dominican thing, but I found issues with it. Right, and I found issues with it at that young age Like I didn't think that was normal. I was just like Because it's not right, why is it? He could have watched the show? No, it's not. He could have watched the show? No, he's not. But it's like, oh, he's a boy.

36:56 - Damaris (Host)

You know. So he doesn't do shorts. Why he get the?

36:59 - Nachi (Host)

pass Right.

37:01 - Damaris (Host)

Girl, I'm on your team. I love him to death.

37:03 - Nachi (Host)

No, we love our brother. Yo, I was like this ain't right. No, this ain't right, and I wrote it in my little letter.

37:11 - Damaris (Host)

Look at you. You were journaling. That came so natural to you. Except you didn't put your journal away. No, I didn't put it away, I wasn't smart, I just left it out there for her to find and she read it and she was like, oh okay, she don't pay no rent up in here I will say the next thing, the next area where I feel like it's again a generational curse is this not following your intuition and it's not encouraged and you're raised to adhere to all authority?

37:50

Your mother, you know your family, your parents, obviously the government to some extent, you know police, and to me it really then conditions you to easily just become sheep. And it starts with this oh, us being obedient to our parents. And this kids are seen, not heard, and that was an example that you just kind of shared right now with mommy, where she didn't even acknowledge your feelings and didn't talk to you directly about it. She talked about it in front of you, to our brother.

38:25 - Nachi (Host)

Like bitch, I read your letter.

38:28 - Damaris (Host)

She's like and this is not a thing she's like unacknowledged. You better get over it. Yes, you better get over it, because you're still going it right, because you're still gonna walk in this right and I will say like at least, for this last bit about like, not following your intuition. It's always like okay, we were expected to go to school, get good grades and, yeah, you're going to college. If you're not going to college, you're going to be doing something like there was always like there's never this.

38:56

Oh, let me, let me follow where my intuition goes. And so, which was weird, because it was not in alignment with how your father necessarily lived his life, cause he was a perfect example of someone who lived his life following his intuition, which is why I think we are the way we are right now with, okay, oh, we should explore this, let's do this podcast, let's go with our gut, but it definitely conflicts with how we were raised in other aspects. Right Like no, you need to listen to your elders, you need to listen to family. Family's always first. No, not if family's trash, I mean our family's not trash but this idea of like, oh you let things slide because, oh, this is your family.

39:44

No, fuck that, it's your self-respect you love. You need to love yourself the most and the best yeah, absolutely.

39:53 - Nachi (Host)

I see that in myself sometimes, especially when I'm in a place of I don't know what to do. Right, like, what am I, what am I, what should I be doing next, or how should I do this? Take a step back. But it does take me back to and I say this to my kids now where, while our parents were really, you know, pushing us, you know, like we knew the next step after high school was like you had to go to college. There was no, you know. Oh, I want to take a year off so I can figure things out. It's like that was your next next step.

40:39

But like I just recently had a conversation with with my daughter and I said to her you know, listen, I know that. You know we talk about education and education is important, but it's the quality of education that you get Right. Right, and we know that the school system here in this country is not the greatest in my opinion, and so I always tell her it's a game, it's an end, it's an ends to a mean. And and I try to like instill in her because it can be very confusing when you're pushing one agenda and then you're like well, follow your intuition.

41:26 - Damaris (Host)

My intuition is don't go to school.

41:28 - Nachi (Host)

No, bitch Right no no, we going to school, right, right, but it's like also teaching them like, okay, it's about using the system to your benefit, also Right, right, but it's like also teaching them like, ok, it's about using the system to your benefit, also Right, and it's like letting them know that that's what it is and making those choices based off of that. Versus no. Your next step is to go to college, and I don't want to have a discussion about it, right, no, that's you know that's not how, right, like no, right, that's you know, that's not how. And I, and when you open that up for discussion, it's easier for other, you know, for children, to develop their intuition and follow it, versus with us, it probably like, yes, we followed it to an extent, but I think, yeah, I think, as we got older and started seeing things and our eyes started opening, we started realizing that, no, our intuition is leading us and that's what we should be following and not what everybody else is trying to dictate for us. And yeah, and again, that was based off of how we were raised.

42:40

It's like you said, we're following these authoritative figures in our lives that tell us, or have told us, that this is what you need to do and this is how you need to. You know this should be your next step, this is what you should be doing, and so we follow that, and I'll say that for myself, that's how it's been. It's like oh well, they said that I needed to. You know, I need to start thinking about starting a family and getting married and all this stuff. Okay, so that was my next step. Wasn't something that I was really, you know, striving for at that moment? So, again, it's like opening it up for your children to really think about, or, you know, the next generation to really start thinking about, like critically thinking, you know, like developing those critical thinking skills where it's like, okay, what's what's in front of me and what's my best option, what's you know? Kind of following my intuition and following that path that my heart is leading me to, versus something that someone is dictating me to do.

43:50 - Damaris (Host)

So I totally agree with what you were saying yeah, and that's that's how you break a cycle, though, right, you just sit there right there with your kids. It's like, yeah, look, it's a rigged system. This is what we got to do to get to certain points in our life, but you have different means of going about it too, and so the idea of breaking a cycle is.

44:15

And so the idea of breaking a cycle is changing the narrative of your journey. That's how I view it right. That's how you can break a cycle, not to have it dictated by others, and which leads to no more of a blame game. At some point you can't say it's because my mommy and daddy didn't love me. No more, I mean and I'm not trying to diminish that for anybody, but I'm saying at some point in your life you will have to learn to heal that on your own, get closure on your own, not rely on others for that, and go about and own this for yourself. It's not going to change. Nothing in your life is going to change until you do that, until you decide to make those changes, the way that it works for you, the way that it aligns for you, which is going to be different for everyone.

45:17

But, it starts with listening to yourself. I think it doesn't have to be complicated. No, right, but it starts with listening to yourself. I think it doesn't have to be complicated.

45:23

No, not at all For some people yes, you may need to go to therapy, and therapy is also not meant to be done for your entire life. It's meant to be done for a specific time period for things in your life, but there's an end in sight. I don't go to therapy, but I go to my sister. She is my therapist, but that works for me and I'm also in real talk. I'm very honest with myself, brutally so I mean, I don't tell people what I say to myself, what's going on in my head, but but when I think about, oh, this didn't go the way I wanted it to because of hmm, why didn't it? Let me think through this. What were my actions? Yeah, yeah.

46:11

And why did I let this? And even if I didn't get the result that I want, why am I bent out of shape?

46:17 - Nachi (Host)

Right right.

46:19 - Damaris (Host)

Do I not trust the path that I'm supposed to be on? I'd started the show with saying that I'm a highly favored child of the most high.

46:26 - Nachi (Host)

Okay.

46:27 - Damaris (Host)

So I need to walk that way.

46:28 - Nachi (Host)

Amen.

46:31 - Damaris (Host)

That's it.

46:31 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, yeah.

46:33 - Damaris (Host)

So I think what we try to do, at least you and I, I mean, it's really like I want to see the next generation and this is really about my younger cousins, my niece and nephew it's like I want to see them move different and do better for our lineage.

46:51 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah.

46:52 - Damaris (Host)

We come from some fantastic DNA.

46:55 - Nachi (Host)

Yes.

46:56 - Damaris (Host)

And it is because of my ancestors that I thrive.

47:01 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah.

47:02 - Damaris (Host)

And so I think it can be very simple in terms of when you start to identify those things that are cycles in your life. They're generational cycles that no longer work or serve you and your family. It's about things that we always talk about Setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, saying no, not just to drugs. Some of y'all may still say yes to drugs, which is okay. It's not my business.

47:40

No judgment, I don't care, but I'm just saying you know, if you were a kid from the 80s, you know, you know, you know. But say no, period, full stop, yeah to things that you can't do, you don't want to do. If you don't want to do something and your body's telling you not to do it, that is your intuition, that's telling you don't do it, it doesn't work for you. It doesn't work for you, it doesn't align for you. Who cares if it aligns for your sister?

48:04 - Nachi (Host)

Right?

48:05 - Damaris (Host)

No, it's true, no, but I know and that's what I love about you, because you don't ever expect me to ever cross my own boundaries. No, no, the same way, I wouldn't want you to do that for me.

48:16 - Nachi (Host)

I mean not after the second time, but you said, maybe not after the second time bitch.

48:24 - Damaris (Host)

I know, I know right but and I think you'll get the answers that you want if you just if you're being still and you're being present, and it's hard to do that in this day and time where you feel like you always have to be on. You're always on a device, but you need to carve out time in your day when you are not on your device. You do not have the computer on, you're looking out the window, you're reading a book, you're doing something focused on the present. How you do it, it's on you, but you need to do it because if you don't, you're living an unconscious life. You're an npc. Yeah, are you a main character? Are you an npc? That's it. Figure it out like if you're just going through life, going through the motions, you're a non-playing character you're letting things happen to you, and then you want to play.

49:16 - Nachi (Host)

You want to blame everyone else but yourself.

49:19 - Damaris (Host)

Yeah, nah, not happening. Not on my watch, as Ayanna would say, but you know, but it's on your watch. At the end of the day, it's up to you.

49:30 - Nachi (Host)

Yeah, it's about changing your mindset.

49:40 - Damaris (Host)

It's making that choice of seeing things for what it really is.

49:41 - Nachi (Host)

Yes, yes, and making that choice to make a change. And it starts with you. You don't have to wait for something. And again, you know I I talk about. You know it's about starting new cycles. You know you don't have to worry about like, oh, I had to break this cycle, this generational curse. You don't have to. You know you don't have to own that, have to break it. But you could just right you don't have to, you could diminish it with every moment as much as possible, every and with every step you take you are breaking it.

50:12 - Damaris (Host)

Know that, yes praise god, yes, no, thank you. Thank you for that, sister, and I think that's a nice way to kind of just end this episode, because there is a lot that we talked about it as far as the generational curses that we've experienced, how we choose to diminish them or, if not, totally end those cycles and starting new ones, and so I really hope that the folks, our listeners, that have tuned in, that there's something from this conversation that resonated with you and, if not, hopefully you know of someone that it can resonate with and you can share this episode with them. But, as always we like to close out with, we recognize there's a lot of noise out there, but our message is consistent Stop getting distracted by the smoke and mirrors, tune out the noise and focus on your divine purpose in life, vibrate higher to elevate your frequency and always thank you for listening. So, that said, don't forget to subscribe to our channel and follow us on instagram, tick tock and twitter at I'm not yelling underscore and we look forward to talking next time.